Broken Arrow

What if all you knew about love was false.
And everything you did was wrong.
No matter how hard you tried nothing good came out
Just mass chaos
Destruction within your eyes
Makes me realize that this was no surprise
I thought so much when this all began
But yet now my mind is filled with new thoughts
those that are lost in the sand
Holding on to what is left
yet they stay on the thought of death.
 Trying to be happy
at least act like it

It's sad right
knowing only death will come
but what's worse is that I have come to terms with my thoughts
And one day my thoughts became dreams
then those dreams started to become reality
Old dreams faded
With my wrist bladed
Funny you can lay so close
Yet never see the effects of my overdose

Now we are broken
with our hearts taken
at first glance
that this could be our last dance

I Am Your Seed (Wish You Were Here To Watch Me Grow)

Letter To You

Thinking back on how my life is turning out

And all the things I want in my future

Just makes me think of the past

A past that goes as far as you being alive

Which really seems like a lifetime

I don't remember the last time I actually tried

Tried to think about you.

The you that goes deeper than an image.

The you that made something out of yourself to make your dreams come true.

Even though you and mom didn't work out

Well, work out in the way your daughters wanted.

But I learned that you taught us something that no one has ever taught me

You taught us to never give up on your dreams

And if we love doing something

Be the best at it and keep it fun

You showed us that life isn't perfect

But playing the cards that are served

And do it to the best we can.

You made us know that we will get 

hurt, pushed down, discouraged, and beat down

and you forced us to get up 

Put our armor on and fight back

I miss you dad.

Day of My Present Thoughts

Hello everyone. Well im going through a lot of stress lately. Our car broke down and we are in the process of moving out of this house. We pay so much to live here and can barely save to move out of this state. We decided to find a cheaper place, "still a house" but smaller. I just really want to start a family of my own. Its becoming sad how I am not worried about materialistic things now. I used to only think about the type of career I will grow old with and now im just like, I want to be happy. Money comes and goes but family is a legacy that will only just grow old with you and that will never die out or go away. I am still young and I have so much to learn about the world that I live in. But i know Illinois isnt the place for me to learn myself. I am growing as a person now. I cut my hair and now im learning how no to care what people thing and im married and im learning how to give my all to one person. I have also learned to trust and respect. My temper is calming down and I am thinking about changing what I want my career to be. I think i want to become a cop. Well i have always wanted to grow up wearing a uniform and i love being apart of a team or bond with a group of people that want the same thing. I truly believe that is my calling in this life that i live. Toni is also learning more about the things that she love to do and what makes her happy. She is sleep right now and all i can think about is my future

What Life Could Have Been

Looking back, I realize that life was just too good for me. It could have been and was going to be until I realized that the life you lived in was just too good for me. I wanted to I did and I know I still do to this day but I know I'm only good at bringing those around me down. All of this is just a metaphor for how my life is just going downhill but I have yet to move. I have no life. I just live and what comes at me just flies right past and never looks back. I could have chosen a different fate for myself but I did not want to. Only because i know that life is too good for me.

What to do? What to do?

I just feel as though im just a boring person now. I used to say so much about myself but now im just that basic person. I work five days out of the week then I also have school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's so I technically have one day off and that one day is a Tuesday which all my friends are busy or at school or work and im just stuck alone bored and feeling as though i wasted a whole day. now what the fuck is that. I want to go to Virginia so bad because i know there is so much more to do and i have family there and i have always wanted to go but Toni hates water like she doesn't want to live by water when that is my dream... Its depressing. I wouldn't want to go anywhere without her. I don't know what is holding me back when I blog but there is just so much going on right now and a lot of confusion. I just wish i had a week alone to discover myself and not worry about anything and get my thoughts together. I am dealing with issues i had last year and im still fucking up. I just need someone to talk to and maybe things will get better. Who knows...

Just To Say Hello

I wish i could stay on top of things with my blog. I didnt forget about writing or anything. I have been trying to move and work and do homework all at once. Its a bit overwhelming but i have been worse mentally. As of right now i am in my schools success center just finished my english paper and now im listening to Kid Cudi and about to do my math homework well its not really homework its me catching up and trying to be ahead kinda deal. But i will type later guys

Letter to MTA

I will say now that you were one of my favorites. We had our good days and bad days. I loved that i could talk to you when i felt some type of way. When i told you that i loved someone else before you and i wasnt sure if i could move on from them, you werent mad one bit you actually just said you wanted me to be happy no matter who i was with even if it wasnt you. We ended because you betrayed me and i also betrayed you and we both werent faithful. It killed me when i fell unfaithful then finding out that you werent and you kept it a secret for months and denied me but gave someone else apart of you that you wont give me. So jealousy was big and we avoided each other for months after the breakup but we shortly became friends again and feelings were always going back and forth but we kept our distance and never acted on them because we knew we werent meant for each other but you were a great person and an amazing friend. I wish we didnt lose that communication that we once had.

An Empty Soul

Sitting in an empty world with no one around who knows the truth
Being all alone in a dark booth
All I wanted was a compliment here and there
To have the one i love hold me with their hands everywhere
Give me what i give you
And maybe this love will do.

Hold me tight
Make my smile grow bright
Give me your heart
And our love could grow off the charts
I stay up to hear you sleep
And wake up to your alarms loud beep

I thought i could do this
But i dont think out love could be bliss
Not with how we are now
And to think months for now you wanted to give me a vow
How could you recover
But my heartless soul is what i shall now discover

My Birthday After Day

Alright guys!! Yesterday was my birthday and today i am in class with nothing to do. I had the option to skip this class but i decided to come to class mainly because i know Toni would try to skip her class if she knew i could. So here i am in here bored... I worked 4-11 on the 9th so after i got off work a co-worker gave me an early birthday gift and went home and celebrated right at 12 stayed up talking to Toni because that is something that we have been lacking for a while now. We stayed up and talked about how we felt and what we are excited about when moving away. I actually enjoyed it because i told her about what i loved about my past relationships and what is harming our relationship. After we decided what we would work on and what we needed to go further into with talking. I fell asleep around 3 in the morning. Woke up at about 9 and cancelled our appointment to view the houses we were suppose to look at but we went online and took a virtual tour and we did not like what we saw. And plus the company was rude to us when we went up to talk to them. So we stayed in bed for a while watching movies and TV. It was so hard getting out of bed but we did because my best friend texted me and asked if we would go to the movies around 4:45 so around 2 we got up went to the mall and Toni made me feel so special there she was patient and helped me pick out clothes that actually matched and complimented me when i tried some thing on or told me she didn't like what i had or it wasn't me. We then got food from the mall and by the time we got done eating we headed out to the movies and bought our tickets and my best friend text me and tells me they went to the wrong theater and we were okay with it because Toni's step sister needed the money we owed her for her son's birthday party. I was fine with going to give the money just because our birthday's were on the same day. We go back to the theater and my best friend tells me she doesn't want to see the movie because it already started. We go back out to see what else is playing after we get our refund for the previous tickets and nothing was showing until 7. That was not okay. i didn't want to be waiting on a movie when i had homework to do when i got home. So we decided to go to our house and watch a movie on the big screen because it was cheaper and no one would interrupt us from the movie. They enjoyed it even though i fell asleep. But all in all i enjoyed my birthday and i realized more about Toni and how she felt about me and what she saw in me. If you know me you will know it doesn't take much to make me happy.

Looking Back

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?

You fall deeper with each passing day

But try to hide it in every possible way.

She's only a friend, and nothing else--

That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.

You keep on sayings she's just a bud,

But deep inside, you're falling in love.

You get so giddy when you meet her eyes,

But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.

A simple glance turns into a stare

But you pretend that you don't care.

It's "not right" for you two to be

Is that why you hide it so no one can see?

But how long will you pretend?

Keep lying that she's just a friend?

Perhaps your feelings you can never show.

Perhaps it's "wrong" for her to know.

Your friendship can't be risked over this,

So being her girl is an impossible wish...

Update On My Life

Alright so i am suppose to be typing this paper that kinda confuses me but i think i will do alright on it. I'm watching a movie i forgot what it is called but i have seen this one many of times wait i think its love and some other drugs, some like that.  My fiance is at work and its getting too me. i already feel a little tipsy because we don't spend much time together but we also don't spend much time apart if that makes sense. We work full time and we go to school 3 days out of the week and our job never schedule us to work at the same time anymore and they also never give us says off together. They just told me that i am not allowed to be there on my days off because it detracts her. So i am in a slum. I'm broke and stressed because of school and bills and i cant do anything about it. my parents filled me on their taxes after i told them since i moved out about a month and a half after i turned 18 and before half the year was up, so knowing my parents they really wanted that deduction. that has been the main thing on my mind and i have been trying not to think about it since Toni has feelings that arent in the right place and she has been stressed so i have been trying to keep calm to help her but i dont know how i am doing it, i think it has been because of the lack of sleep and the caffeine every day and also i drink a little too much and may smoke a bit tooooo much i use too much lightly here. i just needed to talk to someone i want to talk to toni but i dont want her to worry about me. i dated all my really close friends and dumped them all because i missuses the word love with them. I love them but not in the way they loved me i loved in a friendship or family way. and i just miss having them to talk to sometimes. i only had a unconditional love for one person and now im with her.

Happy Valentines Day to you all
Im about to get ready to go out to eat. Toni is at work at the time so i will pick out her clothes and plug her flatiron in so she wont have to do much when she gets here. i am working on the final copy of the paper. i actually some what understand what i am talking about i went to the success center the other day at my school so they could look over my rough draft and she said my ideas were dead on basically i just had to reorganize some of my topics and add a little more examples and that would be perfect and some of my classmates read it and they thought it was perfect so i am feeling good about this paper. but that is all i have to say before i am late to dinner. I hope everyones day is going well.

I Am Depression

Who am I?
Am I a girl who is lost in her ways
Or am I a girl who cant seem to find her way in a giant maze?
I sit around with a smile on my face
When everyone thinks she has no flaw even on a simple shoe lace.
I cry to myself when no one is around
And try to keep to myself and not make a sound.
I learned to never show weakness
Because weakness is looked to with disgust
And just being scared to show the only one that I truly trust.
When I think about it I don't remember a time when I had pure happiness
Only feeling a deep and aggressive feeling of sadness.
I push the feelings aside and act like nothing bothers me
Wanting help but deep down I know if I let someone in they wont let me be
I am depression..