Do I Have To Choose?

Alright is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time. Yeah i know it sounds wrong but i think at one point everyone gets in a situation which they love more than one person at the same time. I am not doing anything wrong because it isnt a secret. They wouldnt let me choose because i like where i am at the time and i wouldnt want that to change because i am comfortable where im at. One is my best friend and one is like someone i am just like ugh. so lets go through both of them

One is a female that i met in like 7th grade and we have been on and off since then so yeah i know her better than anyone and i love her. She is my best friend and all my flaws and secrets she knows too so there is just comfort zone that i love to stay in.

And then there is the new one well she isnt new she is like awesome. but she has her flaws and i know there is a lot i dont know about her that i might need to know down the road but i met her last year and i have had this huge crush on her. we have so much in common and she has everything (and i mean EVERYTHING) that i want. But she lives far away from me and with someone from her past. Other than that she is perfect

So now that you guys know about my personal issues what do you think. Is it okay to love more than one person at a time.

Highlight of my day

Alright guys so today i received my score on the ASVAB and guess what i passed i now just have to go to map and get my job so i can be in the reserves so i am excited to know that after this point in my life that i will have a starting point on my future. But i know that the person that i am most interested in doesnt want anything dealing with the military, so that is a downer knowing that if i want a long term relationship with would think about leaving because they couldnt wait about a year to be with me when we have been at this for almost six year when May hits. But either way i have never failed at anything that i have put my heart into so i dont plan on failing at this either. And also i dont let anything put me down so this will be something i have for my future i might be sad now but i know this if for me and who ever i end up with will be truly proud of me and thankful that i made this decision. 

And today on other levels of my day. I gave blood for the first time!!! Every time i have tried in the past i couldnt because i didnt drink enough water that day. and i woke up late and always had to give early in the morning and today i also woke up late again this time but i got a ride to school and i made me seafood alfredo which provided seafood such as scallops and shrimp then drank a tall glass of water so i was all set for today and i found out that i am a great bleeder and a have a rolling vein. That was my day 

Now im home and it is my fathers birthday, yesterday was my mothers birthday and we went to Olive Garden and today my dad wanted steak and crab legs for dinner so i will go and eat hope you enjoyed my day as much as i did. 

It Could Be Worse

When i look back at my days

I realize that its all just a phase 

and that the things that get to me most

are just reasons for me to boast

I think that my problems and worries are big

But they aren't compared to others, so lets dig

into situations. 

I am the one stressing about a projects thats due

and a man is being sent to prison over something he didnt even do.

Im worried about grades slippin'

When a woman is being cheated on because her husband is trippen

I am being buried in my thoughts because im scared to be alone

When a homeless man on the streets will be spending Christmas alone and thats set in stone.

Now all im saying is that i should be grateful

because my luck has been faithful

so i shouldnt spend my time sad

and mad 

And thats me learning not to be wasteful,

with my time

Stressing is no Blessing

So i am kind of stressed to be honest here. lets go down the short list of reasons why i am stressed today. the biggest thing is that for colleges i need a recommendation letter from two people and i just sent them my resume and i am just waiting on them to give me it. I wonder what things they can say about me that are positive hmm that makes me wonder because i know for a fact that i am a great student. But next would have to be the fact that i have a group project and presentation that is due monday and i am the only one doing all of it and i work all weekend and have church tomorrow night so that leaves me with friday at school and i guess i will stay after school tomorrow and friday to get a bit done then see what i have then start to stress because i also have to squeeze in time to write a paper about the project. He is expecting a little too much out of me this week. i really cant wait to drop this class for another wood shop. but then i am thinking about College and how i want to double major in two completely different areas which is a good and bad thing. Good is that i will always have a back up career choice and bad because i will be there forever. Then again i have a girlfriend thats just ugh. i love her but you know sometimes i just wanna say shut up please. That is all that i am thinking about at the moment

Time For a Change

Well last night I applied to a many places because I am blessed to have a job when others don't, and I love my job I do. But I know I have to move on, I am not quitting my job I am just looking for another place that offers more opportunities and different types of experience so I can update my resume. I work in fast food and before this I worked as a youth pastors assistant. I didn't enjoy having a desk job because I loved to move around way too much and I love meeting new people and selling people  things. Fast food does help with that part. But I want a job that has more to do with retail. And last night I applied to I think four different places and one of those four was not retail. It was food only because I live right by it and it would be so convenient to work there without wasting gas, so why wouldn't I apply. I would apply to McDonalds but um I just cant. I puke when I eat the food so I would just be unhappy there. I love working and I am always happy to do new task but if im around something I already cant be around I just couldn't work there.

The One That I Cant Let Go

Alright readers just in case you didn't know i am with a girl whose name is Toni and me and Tiffany are no more. To be honest we ended things on a bad note, which is me saying she was being childish and couldnt do the mature thing. But that's another story. Anyways, i am with Toni. If you dont know me you should know that i have been heads over heals in love with Toni for almost 5 years now. i met her almost 6 years ago. she was straight then and we started off as friends and then we became closer with time of course like i was calling her my sister because we talked everyday and after like 8 months i realized that i had a bit of a crush on her, i was scared to tell her though because i knew i was like deep in the friend zone so i was just like yeah um fuck it and i didnt say anything for like 3 months and i guess i couldnt hold it in anymore so being me i cant tell anyone how i feel i usually have to write it. Even in person if i have something on my chest i will easily pull my phone out easily and text you how i feel. So i wrote her a poem and told her that way saying how i felt then she said she loved the poem, i didnt think she knew what i was saying so i explained it to her and she said she liked me the same way and i thought she was lying when she told me that she liked me too. I actually said no you dont i like you like i want to be with you type like and you like me as a fish or dog haha but guess what she wasnt lying she liked my ass. but we stayed friends after that and when we got together it was cool i asked her to go to this football game because i knew that my ex was going to be there and i still had some kinda feeling for her and she knew that but she was scared that my ex would beat her up or some so she said she wanted to stay out of drama so she didnt go and i ended up basically cheating because my ex kissed me and i didnt push her away so thats basically cheating because if someone gave me that story i would have said they cheated on me i dont give a fuck if they kissed back or not their asses should have pushed them off of them. So i got home and called Toni and told her exactly what happened she took it um not how i expected she was like speechless. i wanted to cry because i told her i was different and wouldnt hurt her. i lied. I was still a friend and i told her that she needed better so i dumped her because i knew that she wouldnt dump me. i wanted her to have the best and at that time i wasnt it. so we stopped talking for like two weeks and i missed her so we started back talking and she didnt trust me, i hated that so i told her i wouldnt do it again.  To this day she is the main girl i have 100% faithful to mentally and emotionally oh and physically haha i wouldnt risk fucking with her trust and we have broken up many times because of personal reasons but nothing serious. we never really fought like wanted to kill each other type of fighting we just know we dont have to rush anything because i know for a fact that at the end of the day when everyone leaves me she will always be there for me and when im hurt she is the one i go to if i need to smile. So that was the story of me and my first love (my girlfriend) and im not even going to say that we are just perfect because we aren't ha i could wish and we both have changed and grew up a lot we just i don't know grown to love each other more no matter what.

Beating the Cold!!!

Today since it snowed all yesterday and was freezing this morning my plan to stay warm seemed to be a well thought out plan (Clothing wise) so since I haven't purchased a winter coat yet, I decided to throw on a hoodie and sweats. But before that I have leggings on some shorts then my track sweat pants and up top I have my power puff t-shirt with my thickest #UCLA Hoodie. with some softball socks so they are high to my knee. then my Roche runs. so in the end I look like a straight bun and I cant do anything about it and im okay with that. You know why? Because I am warm haha So this cold weather can suck my ass!!! sorry that was a bit um inappropriate but it showed how proud I am that I stayed warm today. Now while im indoors I am going to be so hot because I don't feel like taking off all this but there you go hope you enjoyed my casual description of the day.

She Is The One That Fucked Up

Today has taught me a lot. I learned that i really suck with seeing reality
and perfectly fine with that. I know that i want everything to turn out in a positive manner when in my case 75% of my chances don't turn out that way at all. But that 25% is just enough to keep my hope alive. This is my journal, and i know many people can read along with my life but i could care less because i know im a mess. but i choose to open up to anyone who is willing to read along. So i was dating a girl whose name is Tiffany. If you read all my poems you would know i have known Tiffany for awhile now, The poem "To My Sweet Tiffany" is about this Tiffany. Anyways i feel us fading in everything starting with a friendship. Now we dont even talk during the day and today we didnt even go into a convo and that right there was her saying give up in my eyes. She wasnt busy, she had time to take pictures with her best friend (her ex) and post them on instagram but she didnt have time to say im busy to me. so that way like the final straw so now i am not even mad about it because we talked about this a while now so i have had so much time to calm down but i need to go to bed good night all my readers

TimberLands

Alright so yesterday I was out looking for a winter coat. well on that note I failed once again so I am looking at another winter with no coat so hoodie and sweater weather is upon me. And the only reason I went out shopping because I had a date and her car broke down on her a day before so we have to reschedule, then I made plans with my ex and she wouldn't even text me back after she asked me if I wanted to hang out. That was the second time she has done this to me and I am loosing all faith in the chick. But anyway when I couldn't find a coat there was a shoe store right next door and me and my sister decided we needed more shoes and I just wanted some all black Vans. The problem was my feet are so small they didn't have my size in stock. And they didn't run that small in guys so I was just stuck. Sad day of shopping for me I see. But then my sister came to me and said hey look I found some boots that you would like. So I walked over to her and found her wearing Timberlands. We have history with Timberlands like they aren't just shoes. My dad died a few years back and all he would wear would be Timberlands like all colors and everything. So actually seeing the shoes makes me think of him. So my sister asked me if I wanted to match shoes with her. In my head I thought it was dumb because we basically wear the same size shoe and that would be a waste of money, but I went along with it and tried the shoe on to see how it looked on me took a picture and sent it to some of my friends and they all seemed to like the shoe on me. You know what I spent over $100 on some shoes!!! but I look so good today, so I am happy I bought them.

Why Didnt I Think Things Though?

Alright today it was about 30 degrees outside, can someone smack the living crap out of me to for long boarding to school. I like 15 minutes riding distance away from the school and I wore sweat pants and a hoodie. But I did put two pairs of socks on because I thought that would keep me warm.... I was so wrong. about 5 minutes out I was slowly coming to tears haha I couldn't feel my hands only the pain in them. I started to have a headache and I don't know how cold air makes me feel like my head is being banged into a wall a dozen times but like it was a straight struggle today. I just hope it warms up by the time I have to go back out there.

Question of The Day (Day 4)

So the question today is from my dear old teacher, she was my Spanish teacher and asked "Carmen what is wrong with your face?" My name isn't Carmen, It was my old Spanish name. And what she meant by What’s wrong with my face, that is because I am usually smiling so when I am not she always say that.  And the reason of why I’m not smiling is because I’m sad as fuck! I really don’t know why though when I expected this exact situation to happen.

So lets go over the situation. I was with someone and I was happy, to the point of distance in a relationship.  So like duh I was sad that I couldn’t be with her and she was sad too. But anyways, she used to live with her ex. And the other day she told me since he is still on the lease he wants to move back in with her.  And let me put this out there when I was with her he would still sleep on her couch some nights and he didn’t even know she was with me! Let me stay on topic, so once she told me this she was saying how she couldn’t say no because he does still pay some bills. I was quiet about it and just told her I was going to bed. I woke up at like 3 and was just thinking and since I know her I knew she isn’t the cheating type. She would just dump me and go on with it. In that note I put all guards up so I wouldn’t have much emotion to it when it comes down to the break up. So once she woke up I told her that I feel like she will dump me sooner or later I was just waiting on it, and she said “..ok” that exactly!! Like what the hell did she even care at all. Later I check my phone and there is a long paragraph on how she wants to put us on pause. I was cool with that because I could do what I want but I know we would still talk. Then we started talking about her ex. And it seems as though she basically wants him back the one that made her depressed in the first place. Well my rant is over.

and that was my day off yesterday

The Not So Lucky

You say you are broken
But yet you go back to that one token
And it seems as through my words are choken
By my surprise, happiness and love is not something you know
And maybe it's because of the seed you sow
I am not there but he is
I can't be the one to put you back together
He was the one to break you and I guess that means in your book that he will last forever
You known him for years so he seen the old you
The you I never had the pleasure to meet
And yet again I come to be defeat
So how can I put a puzzle together
When I never seen the perfect picture  

Sonnet of my life!!

So for this week I had to remember Shakespeare's sonnet 113 and I have about like 7 lines to go and I have to say it out loud to a class in 4 more hours. Can I do it? I don't think so but who knows, so far I have asked my class and others with the same class to see if they actually remembered to do it and you know what I have done better than most because I tried. To tell about my effort I knew I wouldn't get time to actually put that much time into knowing it because I worked all weekend so I Googled the sonnet I was assigned and screenshot it and made it my wallpaper on my phone so I would be forced to look at it. At work whenever I was free I would pull my phone out and quote a line at a time and so far I am still fucked because I don't know the full thing nor do I know the full meaning of the poem so this should be the only fail I receive in my British Literature class this year. which is sad knowing me because I love this class I just didn't have freaking time to actually read it and remember it UGH!!!!

Flaw of the Mind

Its so confusing when you give your heart to one
but when the going gets rough that one is the one to leave first
and maybe its me
the one who is bonded to the "its meant to be"
because when it comes to choosing
my mind just get a little confusing
and I know I do it
but you know what?
what happens, happens and I'm okay with it
because I have loved before
the sad fact is that I have never been loved
not to my knowledge though
because that is something people cant seem to show
I have never been the one to go into my desperate days
because I know for a fact that everyone would be put to shame
I know my flaws
and when I open up to the point where I show them
trust me I don't expect the relationship to become dim
I will hush up before all my secrets get out
And have a few of my ex's read this and get them all excited have going to shout

Question Of The Day! (Day 3)

I am in class and I am free, so I look over at my friend and ask her to ask me a question. This bitch ask what is my favorite color. I looked at her and said "Bitch, a question I can write about" so she asked why I decided to be a lesbian.

So Why did I choose to be a lesbian?

I didn't pick this life sadly, I swear I think the lord above just said hm im going to make your life hard by letting your dad be a homophobe and then your mother get married to a pastor so you can be the pastor's daughter and then come out of the closet and always being told to go back in. So yeah I picked this beautiful, easy life. it really isn't a choice if it was I don't know how I could pick it. And I didn't even try or want to come out of the closet the time that I did. But that is a question for another day. Keep reading guys, thanks for your support.

Question of the day! (Day 2)

I ask my girlfriend to ask me questions and She decided the question of:  Why do you love me? And I guess I should answer it.

Hmm let me list all the reasons Why I love Tiffany  by Carmichael (Khamela Johnson)  Well let's start off with I felt that when I first seen you that you were just beautiful and when we talked I don't know we just clicked I guess I had a certain respect for you I knee you were different because I didn't even think of sex when talking to you. I just wanted to make you smile back then.  And it was only about making you feel like you were a queen and deserved the very best. I still want that. I want you to have the world because you deserve it.  You are smart. You are funny. You know how to make me smile and you make me feel like I'm just so lucky because I know I can be happy with you. Because you want someone who loves you and will put you first and always think about you and I can do that. I love you because I can't help it. I can't stay away from you. I can't get you off my mind. You have all the qualities that I want in a future partner.

This is a shortened version just saying but that was the question of the day. Hope you all enjoyed hearing about my gay love life!

End Result

So in British Literature we were told to write a poem that has a rhyme of abab cdcd efef gg, ten syllables per line, with an alternating unstressed-stressed pattern and 14 lines.

 

The one who stole my heart away from me.
When I first saw her I recall the time.
Had I seen that She was the one to be?
Hopefully the bells will soon have to chime.

I met her When November came to past.
When the leaves were falling and so was I.
And hopefully we are the one's to last.
Not a relationship that will soon die.

I hope to hold her day in and day out.
Reassuring She won't go anywhere.
If She leaves me my heart will surely shout.
She is the only one my heart can bare.

The only way to seal our final deal,
Is for me to get on one knee and kneel.
 

So I decided to write about my girlfriend. The message behind the poem is basically saying how I am falling for this girl,  who I met in November and when meeting her I didn't know She was the one I would be with, and now a year later I am hoping we last and not be like every other relationship and break up. I say hold her day in and day out as in hold her in my heart and and letting her know she is loved so that would reassure me that She isn't going anywhere And if She does leave I will be heartbroken because She is all that I want. And for me to show her how much I love her. In time I will propose.  That was my homework

Question of the day! (Day One)

So I asked my girlfriend to ask me a serious question and her reaction was to go to Google and figure out which one to ask me from a list of serious question. At this moment she is still searching and i am just waiting for her to give me one when all she keeps saying oh shit these are so serious, and yet she hasn't gave me one yet.

Alright she just asked her question well her questions and these are the ones she came up with: What was the happiest moment of your life? What was the saddest moment of your life? What was the most important lessons you have learned in life?Who is the biggest influence in your life and what did that person teach you? and If you could hold on to one memory in your life which one would it be?

Out of all of those, i chose the question " If you could hold on to one memory in your life which one would it be?" I would have to pick the time that me and my sisters were staying the weekend with my dad and he taught us how to make homemade pizza and we had to much fun doing it and since he is gone now (he passed away) i would always keep those memories because i love to just remember all the fun and good times we had with him. That right there would be the memory that i choose to hold on to.