Monday, December 29, 2014

What To Expect

Its all cool when you have a question and I do my best to answer
But when it comes back to you, your words become paralyzed like its been hit by cancer
You asked for honesty and that's all I have been giving
It just seems like the trust isn't even driven in you
The fact that I have options on people who want to give me what I want
with out a question
But I chose you.
I wanted to be with you not just because I lover you stubborn ways
that take me back to the good old days
Back when you would test me on little things that you expected lies
Back when trust didn't come so easy
and when only knew how to tease me
Now that the time is coming up
That we are getting to the point of moving on in life
which we want together
We both don't know what we are getting into
yet we still choose to get into this

Friday, December 26, 2014

HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!

Today is Christmas day and you know what I was actually having a great day until I woke up haha . well we had to be up early because my dad's family wanted Christmas at our house and they were suppose to be here at 12 so I woke up did the dishes because my parents woke up cooking. then I went back to bed and woke up again because people kept blowing my phone up...soo not cool. but its alright because I had to get ready anyways so took a shower and I actually made a whole song up in the shower. then got ready and went downstairs and my grandparents and step brother were here and I just sat at the table and waited to eat. when everyone got here they all gave hugs and started talking then my sisters ex came here with our cousin which was extremely awkward so we went upstairs and all got our laptops out and decided to have a laptop date .. my day later I should be able to see my girlfriend and give her the watch that I bought her so she is excited but that is about it for my Christmas. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas Updates

Hey everyone, i haven't made a post in awhile but as an update on my life for starters me and Toni are doing great after all the fighting. I haven't talked to Tiffany. I basically yelled at her last time we talked because i had to tell her why i didn't trust her or want to fully be with her. She wouldn't drop her boy of a roommate which they have been on and off dating. So i would never drop something i have that's good for someone who chose a boy over me. That's just me, But Christmas is tomorrow and it has been so annoying because last week they decided that Christmas was going to be held at our house. since my great aunt has cancer they changed it to my cousins house which shockingly made me so happy because i really do not want to see  my step brother at all. He is a boy as well and i have no respect for men who act like children. Since they are coming we get to open gifts early so it wont be so crowded. I swear when everyone in the house has a job Christmas seems to get real like i never seen so many presents under our tree. Anyways moving on yesterday was my best friend Natalie's birthday. I spent the whole day with her and she had to go Christmas shopping. i thought i was bad with buying gifts late but she is so much worse. But she didnt know how many people i knew until we went to the mall and so many people stopped us just to talk. But she enjoyed spending her birthday with me. I always spend my birthday with her so she already know we have to plan my day now because i am not going shopping for other people on my day. I learned this year that i cant feed her raw fish because she will not be able to breathe. But i actually found a gift for everyone. So i am so excited for everyone to open their gifts. That is an update on me, thanks for reading you guys.

Friday, December 19, 2014

I Cant Count On You.

So at the moment it is saturday i just got off work an hour ago its 12:02 AM and my day was alright i guess i was told by my girlfriend that she would either see me Friday morning or Friday night because she had a hair appointment at 11 so i just said either way i just want to see you. So i went to work and she was out with her brother. i didnt think much of it because i was just like eh ill see her eventually before the night is over with. And guess who i didnt see ...MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. and its not like im shocked. she does this all the time its surprising if  today at all. She actually follows through with what she says she will do. I noticed her methods that she does, when i want to see her i would text her way before i want to actually see her and just say we should hang or something and she would agree to it. then when i tell her the time i want she would just not text back after i say that or wait an hour and a half and completely change the subject. At first i would make excuses for her but now i am just getting annoyed with it. i love the girl i really do and i put up with her bullshit on the daily. But she is so fucking selfish that its sad. i got to the point of just saying good night to her. and now im about to go to bed because im just getting more annoyed... but on the other hand my night was just fine.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Farewell My Love

Things have changed a lot in the time that we have been together
I love you and I don't know how I am going to  take what seems to be not a forever
In a few months you could be leaving me
All alone with the lost hopes of what I thought was meant to be

I am trying to stay positive about it all
And let time go by like a flying ball
having each day spent together special and filled with love
Because you are the one I love like a soft white dove

You are my back bone
The one that gives my love a certain tone
You have been in my life as long as I can remember
I just know that we started this whole love fest years ago in December

So thinking about a life without you seems so unreal
to the point that I cant wrap my thoughts around it
I love you and I am sad
but I cant make you stay to be with me, that would just make me feel bad.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Leave Me Why Dont You

Today is the 16th December and I have been really good. Besides the fact that my girlfriend might be moving 1,104 miles away from me in February but you know what I spent the whole day being sad about it so today I am not going to be sad about it today. I am just going to be sad about it forever I'm just going to make everyday that I have with her special. the plus side of all of this is has to be if she decides to move out she can get her own place and stay here. She hasn't decided yet and I'm not going to pressure her about it because I cant force her to stay in Illinois when she doesn't want to. But the fact that we planned on moving in together after I graduate and get out of basics, but this would just ruin our whole plan, so its just like enjoy the time that we have together and that is all I can do at the moment..

But today is a day before finals start and I have yet to study. It's not that im slacking or anything, I just know everything about my classes that I only have to study for like two classes that I could study for but I am only studying for one class and that is my Psychology class. And Friday starts my break. I am so am excited to sleep in

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Tears For Christmas

Today is Saturday morning basically and i just wanted to tell you guys about my day Friday. so me and Toni were cool all day and her gift came in and i just had to show her she saw it and literally cried so i knew i did a great job, i was so happy i did something right with gifts. but im no pro on jewelry and it said one size only so i was like ugh i hope she can fit it so i tried it on it was an ok fit on me but my wrist is so small and hers is bigger than mine so i was like it should be fine. then i had work.. i was actually really stressed because i had to work with a girl that hates my girlfriend and is suppose to be a great friend of mine. But it turns out she didnt have to go in. So relieved,. so Toni came to my job after she left the mall with her friend and she paid for her friend something to eat and i basically helped her pay because i didnt want my girl spending all her money in one day, but she told me she bought my gift and that it was in her car. That right there made me want to just walk out my job and see it. So we went out together and kissed a bit then she told me to turn around so it could be a surprise, i did what i was told to do. i turn back around and she is holding a longboard. i swear to you if you dont know me i am sorry but i love longboarding i really do. and it was so beautiful. the board i have is so gay like i love it and thats all that matters . But the one she bought me was a Arbor Timeless Pintail 46 Bamboo Longboard. i almost cried when seeing it but i was in shock because the back of it was a lot of fish and a hand reaching out to the fish ...Me and Toni are both Pisces so the fish would always go into our horoscope ritual which i thought was really cool so she payed attention to something i loved and something that made me think of us. so i really loved it. i really didnt want to give it back to her. but i got home and being me i wanted to see my board so i went to the website of the store and saw the price, my girlfriend spent over 200 on me for Christmas. i am not going to lie, i felt important but i am crazy for her. wow its almost our 6th year .. but that was the highlight of my day

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Butt... Oh The Butt

Yesterday I went to the army based office and had to do a body fat percentage and I work out a lot so I weigh a lot because of the muscle so that's why I had to take the test. I got in there and all the Army officers were asking me what I was there for and I told them and they were just wondering why because they all said I looked solid and small. So I took it and it turns out that my neck is a great size, my waist is small and then they got down to my butt and being a colored person you can be blessed with a quite bodacious bottom haha well I was one that was blessed with that. Well in the army they say the men might love it but uncle Sam doesn't. When he said that I was like uncle Sam never seen a big ass before. And I run track so its not fat its a firm butt lol so I don't know how this butt will slim down. but they told me I have to stop working out like I do. I cant do sit ups, crunches, or pushups. I can only run... the factor that made this butt big. So now im on a no carb die. and its almost Christmas. so fun fun ... fun my day

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Christmas Time Shopping

Well today I am very in tuned with my thoughts, yesterday I went Christmas shopping. My dad will be very happy with his gift. My mom I don't know. I tried buying her some roshe runs but they were all out of stock in her size. Like WHY ... So that didn't work, she is a very casual person so the basic ones were gone too. So I did the daughter thing and bought her a necklace. yes im that type. I tried for hours looking for the shoes and I was so annoyed. But I am also the type that if you ask what I got you I will most likely tell you just because I hate secrets. My girl knows and that's how she got me to tell her and I told her I couldn't decide between these two watches and so I sent her both and she loved them both.. I choose the cheaper one. (im on a budget so don't judge) she doesn't need to know. and I have no idea what im buying my sister. Oh and my dad is receiving a Lakers Jacket.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

So This Is Us

Alright well today is December the 9th and my day has been pretty good. For starters my night was alright my girlfriend had some things she had to do for her best friend (it was on the dangerous side in my opinion) But she came home happy and in a positive mood so that was just fine, then we ended our night on good terms. and this morning she was actually being extremely loving towards me so duh im going to be happy. I think she knows we have been having a rocky week so I think she is getting back to the sick of being mad at each other. When I think I have been the one who seemed to be mad at her most of the time. So its getting better.
I am actually trying with her. Which to most people who don't know me would think I would be the type of person that actually puts my all in every relationship that I have been in which im not that type at all... I hold my guards up and don't let anyone really get to know the personal parts of me, I don't know why I do it. I cant help it. But Toni is the only person I have ever opened up to. I know why though. I met her when I was in 7th grade and she was straight and I was just coming out so we were just friends like that's it nothing more and nothing less. and after a year of being with a cheater and a liar then Toni was the one that picked me back up from being so depressed. After that we just were great friends and a year later I guess feelings were involved like I loved her like she was family then I was like woah she is attractive too and you know what I want her to be with someone who will treat her like she should be treated.... (end up being me) But the point of that is me saying she know the personal emotional part of me before we started dating and I guess that is why we do this.

Cant Wait To Leave

Right now I really cant stand this school.
Literally everything about it pisses me off.
The people
The teachers.
Even this school color.
Only 142 more days.
May....

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Rant Of The Night

Why must i have trust issues?!?!?! Please someone tell me. I have been fucked up so many times that i just dont even know how to trust anyone anymore and its kinda sad. when i think about it because when i get in a serious relationship and at first i am all cool but when things seem to get me worried or make me doubt things i put up walls that will eventually end up with me dumping them and a few days later im with someone else. Yeah i know its fucked up but i have been used to doing it for years now and its getting better like i learned that i do like time to myself but i guess im just scared to be alone.

This is me actually being honest with myself for once in my life. Yeah i have been known as a player before... well many times from a lot of people. But i have changed and i know if me and toni break up it will be for a good reason. or i just do it so she wont have to when i have to leave. Right now i am doubting everything and i hate it because half of me just wants to ball up and be by myself knowing that i might lose the one person that has stuck by my side for years when everyone has left me so yeah this one is taking a huge tole on me.

Sorry guys that i am going on a rant but my blog is like my journal, i dont care who reads it or if there are any negative feedback from it i dont care because its mine. and i could write all the poems about how i feel but i know if i do write a poem about how i feel i will just burst in tears and i personally am a cry baby so i know for a fact that i will cry.

The fact that i can type fast is an issue because i am actually saying everything that is going through my mind and i have so much thats why i am separating my thoughts

But back on topic, I know she loves me and is scared to loose me. The fact that She used to consider herself straight and me being the only exception always made me feel special, and after i cheated on her ( 5 years ago, never again, that wasnt even my fault , i didnt do it i was in a iffy situation, but never again have i ever) then dumped her she tried dating more girls to see if she could have feelings for them and she actually said none of them gave her any kinda connection. Also the fact that we have been on and off for years and that in the past 4 years i have dated 4 other people and she hasnt dated one other person because she knows we are going to get back together so she said why even bother, her words not mine.  so that right there also gives me a happy feeling ( not the me with other people part) that right there is an iffy situation on my part and i honestly dont even wanna be with anyone else. like i have dated a lot of females and none of them compare to her. Maybe its the time or the effort that i actually put in her, i went through so much to actually get her haha do you know how long i was in the friend zone just to get her to tell me she liked me and even after that i was in the friend zone for a while just because she loved being single and i love that about her because i know when we break up she will be content with the title of being single. But she knows that she has never really been single because even when we arent together, we basically are together because nothing really changes just the label then we go on a bunch of no labels which is stupid but it is a comfort zone for both of us. i dont know what it is about the whole no labeled deal but we tend to fight less and enjoy each other more in that zone. so we stay there a lot which is no problem to me but when she wants to actually go back to say its official i swear i fall for that girl everytime. and now that i got all of this off my chest i am goooooood. haha i love her, so i shouldnt doubt anything because everything happens for a reason so i should just calm down and let it be.

My rant of the night

Different Schedules

An update to me and Toni and the new way im thinking is going alright. I am really holding back on a lot such as telling her to just let me have some personal time with her knowing that she has been busy and tired. Her hotel sleepover what ever she would like to call it went well, she went to bed late and she left her charger at work so her phone died while i was at work and she woke up with it on like 3% and we talked with that much battery and so i got off work today and she was in this mood, ( female reasons) but that was understandable so i just let her attitude slide over. then since she was in that mood she didnt want to talk to anyone (including me ) she would talk to me but everything i would say she would take it as though i was attacking her. for example i said thank god you slept all day (since she stayed up late) she replied with a " what do you mean by that?!?!? Khamela?" yeah she used my first name which is like fighting words in my book if we are dating. so i got annoyed pretty quick with her and i had a headache from work so i told her i would take a 30 min nap when it ended up being an hour and i woke up at 9 something because she texted me saying that she was going to bed and i told her that this weekend just seems as though our schedules arent matching up at all. but thats what happens in relationships it seems. But i cant wait till Christmas break because i will be free and i think she will be too.  And we still have to go shopping together so thats going to be fun. but anyways guys i should go to bed its 1:20 and i work in the morning good night loves

Saturday, December 6, 2014

I Think He Is Ready

so last night we bought Mister a christmas sweater to get him in the mood for his first christmas an i think he loves it

Friday, December 5, 2014

Turning Over A New Leaf

Hello guys today has really been a reflection day on myself. After the day Toni and I watched True Life (a show played on MTV)  I learned a lot. I realized there are people out here that are so clingy that it drives the person they are with away. And that right there made me think of the reasons of why me and Toni break up so much. I am too clingy and that annoys her.

So today she told me that tonight she is going to have a hotel with 3 of her friends and usually I would get mad or have an attitude. But instead I told her that I would be working tonight anyways, and that I hope she enjoys her time with her friends, I bet she thought I was sarcastic. She asked if I was mad I said no then I explained it to her saying, "yeah I was just talking to my friend saying that I have to not be so clingy with you because I know you are mine so I shouldn't be so selfish that you feel like you cant still have fun. I think True life really hit me that there are people more clingy and crazier than I am. but you need those days to just hang with your friends then if I get too attached they would hate me haha and I don't want that. I don't plan on breaking up again so I am trying something different that I haven't tried before and that is giving you space lol so this is new for me and I am trying, only because I love you"

Guys wish me luck on this whole "Turning over a new leaf" time for me. I honestly feel that knowing I am about to go off in a couple of months for a year without her is really getting to me. I am ready to leave but im not ready to be away from her. I went 6 years with her by my side and now I have to go a whole year basically without her, yeah im not ready. I am just taking everything serious now. I don't have time to put people in my life that wont stay or doing anything that will hurt me in the long run. so I am just trying to be at peace before I go away, and spend time with those I love most.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Im A Cry Baby

Last night was just an amazing night. Toni couldn't come over she was home from work and just wanted to chill there but she actually wanted to talk about the military, so I was proud of her because I know how much she hates it but she seemed so supportive and I loved it. so I told her to just call me and we talked about everything. But I almost cried because I am an emotional female like I cry at about everything. I hate surprises and I hate keeping secrets so I showed her the watch I am buying and I guessed what she was getting me which pissed her off just saying but it was a jokingly guess which I wasn't taking serious until she started laughing and my face went so serious like I spent almost 200 on my board now and she knew how bad I wanted another board so I started crying because she told me our gifts are about the same price so I didn't feel bad for spending so much when at first we said a $25 limit haha then since im leaving for basics after graduation she told me her plans for us after I graduated and that would be my graduation gift. The parts I remember is her getting us a hotel room for the weekend and going to my favorite restaurant (she then said she wrote down all my favorites places) then I was like how long have you been thinking about this and she said all year (I died of laughter) then she was going to give me a promise ring at the arch. which I love because I spent most of my childhood there with my dad and my aunts.(and I started to tear up there too just saying, those were tears of like a wow, no one has ever put thought into anything for me and she did)   But then we watched true life about young love and I swear they were crazy and I was like thank god you aren't like that . then she forced me to go to sleep. but that was my night

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Oh, What A Confusing Day

Well it seems as though the pattern of us still goes.
so me and Toni have been on and off for almost 6 years now
and she is the one who dumps me because she gets annoyed and we always
end up getting back together like a week or two later, unless I get in a relationship
she never gets in anything, but im not complaining. I love knowing that im the only one she wants
to be with but I just annoy the shit out of her. I know I do because after 6 years I know when I do it
but im not mad im just like should I still buy her this expensive gift for Christmas haha that is the only thing on my mind like a less than 100 dollar gift is looking good, then my birthday is coming up soon so then im just like hmm I wonder if she will make me single on my birthday.

She just told me that she hasn't dumped me which is a relief but im walking on egg shells now to not piss her off. And she is still getting her Christmas gift haha and just so you guys know I am one person that would buy a $145 gift with a smile on my face.

Well today was kinda a alright day, im out of school. but since I go home early I am still here because I have a chess club and ecology club meeting today.. and don't you dare judge me on the clubs, I joined chess club because that was one thing that reminds me of my dad so I was just like why not and I joined and actually its a pretty cool and chill environment, all we do is play chess so no one talks to me I just get to destroy people in chess. now ecology club has some ummm different people in there, But that was my confusing day so I hope you guys enjoyed my lovely story

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Bitch, You Found Me!!!

So this dude googled me.....

About My Morning

When I spend over a year trying to get to know you, that obviously means I am growing attached.  So if I invest time in you, I might push you away at times but that never means leave. Because that is the last thing I would ever want someone to do. so please be a smart cookie and stay. I am saying this because I am just letting people know how I am so when you meet me think before you start something you cant finish.
 
Anyways last night after my workout I couldn't fall asleep no matter what and I was getting so annoyed because it was 12 and I have to wake up no later than 6. So my usual routine is closing my eyes and make up a story so I can dream about some good. but that didn't work so I just figured I was to hyped up so I put on music, well one song (Thinking out loud- Ed Sheeran) because that song just puts me in a good loving mood, and makes me think about my girl so I just laid there with my eyes closed and I ended up falling asleep right after that. and that was my night and this seems like this is how December is starting off
 
CHRISTMAS BREAK IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! I honestly cant wait

Monday, December 1, 2014

AWKWARD!!

when your friend ask for your URL to your blog is so awkward when you have to think about everything that you have written haha

Hey Guys!!!

Alright today is December 1st and it is starting off great, my recruiter called today and i take my physical tomorrow for the army, its my girlfriend dad's birthday. so she was calm and not up my ass today. I stopped talking to a certain chick that chose an ex over me. Me and my ex Leeya we actually had a convo last night and that was really cool i learned so much about some things that i dont partake in but i love learning new things. The only bad part is that my ex got fired from his job and came to my job to cry about it so i talked to my managers into letting him get an interview and today i found out that he is taken and is going to be working with me haha that is fun -_-.... but then i talked to my friend Tierra about her woman issues and i ended up texting a girl that she dated and wanted back to try to get her another chance and the chick seemed to think i was one cool chick to be a stranger and talking to her like i knew her. But i picked out a Christmas gift for my girl and i talked to her best friend about it to make sure she would like it but i am still looking so i can make sure its perfect. but now its time for my show and my workout time so i hope you guys enjoyed this

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Do I Have To Choose?

Alright is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time. Yeah i know it sounds wrong but i think at one point everyone gets in a situation which they love more than one person at the same time. I am not doing anything wrong because it isnt a secret. They wouldnt let me choose because i like where i am at the time and i wouldnt want that to change because i am comfortable where im at. One is my best friend and one is like someone i am just like ugh. so lets go through both of them

One is a female that i met in like 7th grade and we have been on and off since then so yeah i know her better than anyone and i love her. She is my best friend and all my flaws and secrets she knows too so there is just comfort zone that i love to stay in.

And then there is the new one well she isnt new she is like awesome. but she has her flaws and i know there is a lot i dont know about her that i might need to know down the road but i met her last year and i have had this huge crush on her. we have so much in common and she has everything (and i mean EVERYTHING) that i want. But she lives far away from me and with someone from her past. Other than that she is perfect

So now that you guys know about my personal issues what do you think. Is it okay to love more than one person at a time.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Highlight of my day

Alright guys so today i received my score on the ASVAB and guess what i passed i now just have to go to map and get my job so i can be in the reserves so i am excited to know that after this point in my life that i will have a starting point on my future. But i know that the person that i am most interested in doesnt want anything dealing with the military, so that is a downer knowing that if i want a long term relationship with would think about leaving because they couldnt wait about a year to be with me when we have been at this for almost six year when May hits. But either way i have never failed at anything that i have put my heart into so i dont plan on failing at this either. And also i dont let anything put me down so this will be something i have for my future i might be sad now but i know this if for me and who ever i end up with will be truly proud of me and thankful that i made this decision. 

And today on other levels of my day. I gave blood for the first time!!! Every time i have tried in the past i couldnt because i didnt drink enough water that day. and i woke up late and always had to give early in the morning and today i also woke up late again this time but i got a ride to school and i made me seafood alfredo which provided seafood such as scallops and shrimp then drank a tall glass of water so i was all set for today and i found out that i am a great bleeder and a have a rolling vein. That was my day 

Now im home and it is my fathers birthday, yesterday was my mothers birthday and we went to Olive Garden and today my dad wanted steak and crab legs for dinner so i will go and eat hope you enjoyed my day as much as i did. 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

It Could Be Worse

When i look back at my days
I realize that its all just a phase 
and that the things that get to me most
are just reasons for me to boast
I think that my problems and worries are big
But they aren't compared to others, so lets dig
into situations. 

I am the one stressing about a projects thats due
and a man is being sent to prison over something he didnt even do.
Im worried about grades slippin'
When a woman is being cheated on because her husband is trippen
I am being buried in my thoughts because im scared to be alone
When a homeless man on the streets will be spending Christmas alone and thats set in stone.

Now all im saying is that i should be grateful
because my luck has been faithful
so i shouldnt spend my time sad
and mad 
And thats me learning not to be wasteful,
with my time

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Stressing is no Blessing

So i am kind of stressed to be honest here. lets go down the short list of reasons why i am stressed today. the biggest thing is that for colleges i need a recommendation letter from two people and i just sent them my resume and i am just waiting on them to give me it. I wonder what things they can say about me that are positive hmm that makes me wonder because i know for a fact that i am a great student. But next would have to be the fact that i have a group project and presentation that is due monday and i am the only one doing all of it and i work all weekend and have church tomorrow night so that leaves me with friday at school and i guess i will stay after school tomorrow and friday to get a bit done then see what i have then start to stress because i also have to squeeze in time to write a paper about the project. He is expecting a little too much out of me this week. i really cant wait to drop this class for another wood shop. but then i am thinking about College and how i want to double major in two completely different areas which is a good and bad thing. Good is that i will always have a back up career choice and bad because i will be there forever. Then again i have a girlfriend thats just ugh. i love her but you know sometimes i just wanna say shut up please. That is all that i am thinking about at the moment

Time For a Change

Well last night I applied to a many places because I am blessed to have a job when others don't, and I love my job I do. But I know I have to move on, I am not quitting my job I am just looking for another place that offers more opportunities and different types of experience so I can update my resume. I work in fast food and before this I worked as a youth pastors assistant. I didn't enjoy having a desk job because I loved to move around way too much and I love meeting new people and selling people  things. Fast food does help with that part. But I want a job that has more to do with retail. And last night I applied to I think four different places and one of those four was not retail. It was food only because I live right by it and it would be so convenient to work there without wasting gas, so why wouldn't I apply. I would apply to McDonalds but um I just cant. I puke when I eat the food so I would just be unhappy there. I love working and I am always happy to do new task but if im around something I already cant be around I just couldn't work there.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The One That I Cant Let Go

Alright readers just in case you didn't know i am with a girl whose name is Toni and me and Tiffany are no more. To be honest we ended things on a bad note, which is me saying she was being childish and couldnt do the mature thing. But that's another story. Anyways, i am with Toni. If you dont know me you should know that i have been heads over heals in love with Toni for almost 5 years now. i met her almost 6 years ago. she was straight then and we started off as friends and then we became closer with time of course like i was calling her my sister because we talked everyday and after like 8 months i realized that i had a bit of a crush on her, i was scared to tell her though because i knew i was like deep in the friend zone so i was just like yeah um fuck it and i didnt say anything for like 3 months and i guess i couldnt hold it in anymore so being me i cant tell anyone how i feel i usually have to write it. Even in person if i have something on my chest i will easily pull my phone out easily and text you how i feel. So i wrote her a poem and told her that way saying how i felt then she said she loved the poem, i didnt think she knew what i was saying so i explained it to her and she said she liked me the same way and i thought she was lying when she told me that she liked me too. I actually said no you dont i like you like i want to be with you type like and you like me as a fish or dog haha but guess what she wasnt lying she liked my ass. but we stayed friends after that and when we got together it was cool i asked her to go to this football game because i knew that my ex was going to be there and i still had some kinda feeling for her and she knew that but she was scared that my ex would beat her up or some so she said she wanted to stay out of drama so she didnt go and i ended up basically cheating because my ex kissed me and i didnt push her away so thats basically cheating because if someone gave me that story i would have said they cheated on me i dont give a fuck if they kissed back or not their asses should have pushed them off of them. So i got home and called Toni and told her exactly what happened she took it um not how i expected she was like speechless. i wanted to cry because i told her i was different and wouldnt hurt her. i lied. I was still a friend and i told her that she needed better so i dumped her because i knew that she wouldnt dump me. i wanted her to have the best and at that time i wasnt it. so we stopped talking for like two weeks and i missed her so we started back talking and she didnt trust me, i hated that so i told her i wouldnt do it again.  To this day she is the main girl i have 100% faithful to mentally and emotionally oh and physically haha i wouldnt risk fucking with her trust and we have broken up many times because of personal reasons but nothing serious. we never really fought like wanted to kill each other type of fighting we just know we dont have to rush anything because i know for a fact that at the end of the day when everyone leaves me she will always be there for me and when im hurt she is the one i go to if i need to smile. So that was the story of me and my first love (my girlfriend) and im not even going to say that we are just perfect because we aren't ha i could wish and we both have changed and grew up a lot we just i don't know grown to love each other more no matter what.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Beating the Cold!!!

Today since it snowed all yesterday and was freezing this morning my plan to stay warm seemed to be a well thought out plan (Clothing wise) so since I haven't purchased a winter coat yet, I decided to throw on a hoodie and sweats. But before that I have leggings on some shorts then my track sweat pants and up top I have my power puff t-shirt with my thickest #UCLA Hoodie. with some softball socks so they are high to my knee. then my Roche runs. so in the end I look like a straight bun and I cant do anything about it and im okay with that. You know why? Because I am warm haha So this cold weather can suck my ass!!! sorry that was a bit um inappropriate but it showed how proud I am that I stayed warm today. Now while im indoors I am going to be so hot because I don't feel like taking off all this but there you go hope you enjoyed my casual description of the day.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

She Is The One That Fucked Up

Today has taught me a lot. I learned that i really suck with seeing reality
and perfectly fine with that. I know that i want everything to turn out in a positive manner when in my case 75% of my chances don't turn out that way at all. But that 25% is just enough to keep my hope alive. This is my journal, and i know many people can read along with my life but i could care less because i know im a mess. but i choose to open up to anyone who is willing to read along. So i was dating a girl whose name is Tiffany. If you read all my poems you would know i have known Tiffany for awhile now, The poem "To My Sweet Tiffany" is about this Tiffany. Anyways i feel us fading in everything starting with a friendship. Now we dont even talk during the day and today we didnt even go into a convo and that right there was her saying give up in my eyes. She wasnt busy, she had time to take pictures with her best friend (her ex) and post them on instagram but she didnt have time to say im busy to me. so that way like the final straw so now i am not even mad about it because we talked about this a while now so i have had so much time to calm down but i need to go to bed good night all my readers

Thursday, November 13, 2014

TimberLands

Alright so yesterday I was out looking for a winter coat. well on that note I failed once again so I am looking at another winter with no coat so hoodie and sweater weather is upon me. And the only reason I went out shopping because I had a date and her car broke down on her a day before so we have to reschedule, then I made plans with my ex and she wouldn't even text me back after she asked me if I wanted to hang out. That was the second time she has done this to me and I am loosing all faith in the chick. But anyway when I couldn't find a coat there was a shoe store right next door and me and my sister decided we needed more shoes and I just wanted some all black Vans. The problem was my feet are so small they didn't have my size in stock. And they didn't run that small in guys so I was just stuck. Sad day of shopping for me I see. But then my sister came to me and said hey look I found some boots that you would like. So I walked over to her and found her wearing Timberlands. We have history with Timberlands like they aren't just shoes. My dad died a few years back and all he would wear would be Timberlands like all colors and everything. So actually seeing the shoes makes me think of him. So my sister asked me if I wanted to match shoes with her. In my head I thought it was dumb because we basically wear the same size shoe and that would be a waste of money, but I went along with it and tried the shoe on to see how it looked on me took a picture and sent it to some of my friends and they all seemed to like the shoe on me. You know what I spent over $100 on some shoes!!! but I look so good today, so I am happy I bought them.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Why Didnt I Think Things Though?

Alright today it was about 30 degrees outside, can someone smack the living crap out of me to for long boarding to school. I like 15 minutes riding distance away from the school and I wore sweat pants and a hoodie. But I did put two pairs of socks on because I thought that would keep me warm.... I was so wrong. about 5 minutes out I was slowly coming to tears haha I couldn't feel my hands only the pain in them. I started to have a headache and I don't know how cold air makes me feel like my head is being banged into a wall a dozen times but like it was a straight struggle today. I just hope it warms up by the time I have to go back out there.

Question of The Day (Day 4)


So the question today is from my dear old teacher, she was my Spanish teacher and asked "Carmen what is wrong with your face?" My name isn't Carmen, It was my old Spanish name. And what she meant by What’s wrong with my face, that is because I am usually smiling so when I am not she always say that.  And the reason of why I’m not smiling is because I’m sad as fuck! I really don’t know why though when I expected this exact situation to happen.

So lets go over the situation. I was with someone and I was happy, to the point of distance in a relationship.  So like duh I was sad that I couldn’t be with her and she was sad too. But anyways, she used to live with her ex. And the other day she told me since he is still on the lease he wants to move back in with her.  And let me put this out there when I was with her he would still sleep on her couch some nights and he didn’t even know she was with me! Let me stay on topic, so once she told me this she was saying how she couldn’t say no because he does still pay some bills. I was quiet about it and just told her I was going to bed. I woke up at like 3 and was just thinking and since I know her I knew she isn’t the cheating type. She would just dump me and go on with it. In that note I put all guards up so I wouldn’t have much emotion to it when it comes down to the break up. So once she woke up I told her that I feel like she will dump me sooner or later I was just waiting on it, and she said “..ok” that exactly!! Like what the hell did she even care at all. Later I check my phone and there is a long paragraph on how she wants to put us on pause. I was cool with that because I could do what I want but I know we would still talk. Then we started talking about her ex. And it seems as though she basically wants him back the one that made her depressed in the first place. Well my rant is over.
and that was my day off yesterday

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Not So Lucky

You say you are broken
But yet you go back to that one token
And it seems as through my words are choken
By my surprise, happiness and love is not something you know
And maybe it's because of the seed you sow
I am not there but he is
I can't be the one to put you back together
He was the one to break you and I guess that means in your book that he will last forever
You known him for years so he seen the old you
The you I never had the pleasure to meet
And yet again I come to be defeat
So how can I put a puzzle together
When I never seen the perfect picture  

Monday, November 10, 2014

Sonnet of my life!!

So for this week I had to remember Shakespeare's sonnet 113 and I have about like 7 lines to go and I have to say it out loud to a class in 4 more hours. Can I do it? I don't think so but who knows, so far I have asked my class and others with the same class to see if they actually remembered to do it and you know what I have done better than most because I tried. To tell about my effort I knew I wouldn't get time to actually put that much time into knowing it because I worked all weekend so I Googled the sonnet I was assigned and screenshot it and made it my wallpaper on my phone so I would be forced to look at it. At work whenever I was free I would pull my phone out and quote a line at a time and so far I am still fucked because I don't know the full thing nor do I know the full meaning of the poem so this should be the only fail I receive in my British Literature class this year. which is sad knowing me because I love this class I just didn't have freaking time to actually read it and remember it UGH!!!!

Friday, November 7, 2014

Flaw of the Mind

Its so confusing when you give your heart to one
but when the going gets rough that one is the one to leave first
and maybe its me
the one who is bonded to the "its meant to be"
because when it comes to choosing
my mind just get a little confusing
and I know I do it
but you know what?
what happens, happens and I'm okay with it
because I have loved before
the sad fact is that I have never been loved
not to my knowledge though
because that is something people cant seem to show
I have never been the one to go into my desperate days
because I know for a fact that everyone would be put to shame
I know my flaws
and when I open up to the point where I show them
trust me I don't expect the relationship to become dim
I will hush up before all my secrets get out
And have a few of my ex's read this and get them all excited have going to shout

Question Of The Day! (Day 3)

I am in class and I am free, so I look over at my friend and ask her to ask me a question. This bitch ask what is my favorite color. I looked at her and said "Bitch, a question I can write about" so she asked why I decided to be a lesbian.

So Why did I choose to be a lesbian?

I didn't pick this life sadly, I swear I think the lord above just said hm im going to make your life hard by letting your dad be a homophobe and then your mother get married to a pastor so you can be the pastor's daughter and then come out of the closet and always being told to go back in. So yeah I picked this beautiful, easy life. it really isn't a choice if it was I don't know how I could pick it. And I didn't even try or want to come out of the closet the time that I did. But that is a question for another day. Keep reading guys, thanks for your support.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Question of the day! (Day 2)

I ask my girlfriend to ask me questions and She decided the question of:  Why do you love me? And I guess I should answer it.

Hmm let me list all the reasons Why I love Tiffany  by Carmichael (Khamela Johnson)  Well let's start off with I felt that when I first seen you that you were just beautiful and when we talked I don't know we just clicked I guess I had a certain respect for you I knee you were different because I didn't even think of sex when talking to you. I just wanted to make you smile back then.  And it was only about making you feel like you were a queen and deserved the very best. I still want that. I want you to have the world because you deserve it.  You are smart. You are funny. You know how to make me smile and you make me feel like I'm just so lucky because I know I can be happy with you. Because you want someone who loves you and will put you first and always think about you and I can do that. I love you because I can't help it. I can't stay away from you. I can't get you off my mind. You have all the qualities that I want in a future partner.

This is a shortened version just saying but that was the question of the day. Hope you all enjoyed hearing about my gay love life!

End Result

So in British Literature we were told to write a poem that has a rhyme of abab cdcd efef gg, ten syllables per line, with an alternating unstressed-stressed pattern and 14 lines.
 
The one who stole my heart away from me.
When I first saw her I recall the time.
Had I seen that She was the one to be?
Hopefully the bells will soon have to chime.
I met her When November came to past.
When the leaves were falling and so was I.
And hopefully we are the one's to last.
Not a relationship that will soon die.
I hope to hold her day in and day out.
Reassuring She won't go anywhere.
If She leaves me my heart will surely shout.
She is the only one my heart can bare.
The only way to seal our final deal,
Is for me to get on one knee and kneel.
 
So I decided to write about my girlfriend. The message behind the poem is basically saying how I am falling for this girl,  who I met in November and when meeting her I didn't know She was the one I would be with, and now a year later I am hoping we last and not be like every other relationship and break up. I say hold her day in and day out as in hold her in my heart and and letting her know she is loved so that would reassure me that She isn't going anywhere And if She does leave I will be heartbroken because She is all that I want. And for me to show her how much I love her. In time I will propose.  That was my homework

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Question of the day! (Day One)

So I asked my girlfriend to ask me a serious question and her reaction was to go to Google and figure out which one to ask me from a list of serious question. At this moment she is still searching and i am just waiting for her to give me one when all she keeps saying oh shit these are so serious, and yet she hasn't gave me one yet.

Alright she just asked her question well her questions and these are the ones she came up with: What was the happiest moment of your life? What was the saddest moment of your life? What was the most important lessons you have learned in life?Who is the biggest influence in your life and what did that person teach you? and If you could hold on to one memory in your life which one would it be?

Out of all of those, i chose the question " If you could hold on to one memory in your life which one would it be?" I would have to pick the time that me and my sisters were staying the weekend with my dad and he taught us how to make homemade pizza and we had to much fun doing it and since he is gone now (he passed away) i would always keep those memories because i love to just remember all the fun and good times we had with him. That right there would be the memory that i choose to hold on to.

Friday, October 31, 2014

My Morning In A Nutshell

Well today I took the ASVAB and at first I was like "Yeah I studied so it should be Alright " then got there got to section 6 and then the rest was about cars and machine work and my face said "wish there,  wtf did I sign up for"

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Impulse

So my favorite author is Ellen Hopkins and one of my favorite books of hers is impulse.  Here is some I wrote about one of her books that I adore

Impulse

            “Act on your impulse, swallow the bottle, cut a little deeper, put the gun to your chest.”(4). Impulse, a novel written by Ellen Hopkins; a young adults author who relates to all readers. Impulse is a novel written out of pure love and passion about three characters. Tony, Vanessa, and Conner; “Three people with nothing at all in common except age, proximity, and a wish to die.”(2). Seeming depressing in a way to the outside, but as one reads and gets to know each character one learn that everyone has some form of demon that lives inside them. The demon will either be conquered or conquer over the person.  Even though the three lived completely separate lives, at the end of the day they are the same in a way.

            Before going into the story one should know the background information. Impulse is a novel that talks about the environment being in Aspen Springs. Even though this is a fictional novel, Aspen Springs mental hospital does happen to be real. Located in Reno, Nevada where Ellen Hopkins has spent some time visiting some of the teens that were once there. That’s how she was inspired to write this novel.

            To illustrate a young adult author that inspires teens from all over. Diane Roback once said, “Young Adult author Ellen Hopkins writes novels in verse—but not your typical verse. Her previous books have tackled suck hard- hitting issues such as addiction, physical abuse, attempt suicide, sexual abuse, and eating disorders. Hopkins hears regularly from her readers, many of whom tell her about the impact her books have on their lives, More than one million copies of Hopkins books are in print.” Ellen Hopkins writes to show the imperfect side of teens that explains why someone would cause such harm to themselves. She shows the side of people that one ever knows about. As one reads one of Hopkins novels one will see the deep impact on their life.

            Looking back to about seven years ago, Ellen Hopkins had Impulse published (the year of 2007). In the same year she had her second book to her series “Crank” published, which was “Glass”. That following year she published her second book in the “Impulse”series called “Perfect”. In Impulse you know it’s a modern novel because of the clothes they described. They go into the movies that just came out and the music the characters listened too before they arrived to Aspen. They were not allowed to have phones but in the middle they were allowed to watch “Fear Factor” which was popular in late 2000s.

            Other groups of information you should know is the general elements of fiction. The elements of fiction tell the plot, setting, characters, conflict, symbols, point of view and theme. Plot is the sequence of events that a writer used to make up a story, such as the start, middle then the end. The setting is where the story takes place. It can be very general or very specific. Characters are what type of individuals is being described, characteristics as what an individual says, or does. Then there is conflict. There is external and internal conflict. External is a person going against nature, and internal conflict is man going against one’s own self. Symbolism which makes a physical object symbolizes something else. Point of view is how the story is told. And it goes into who tells the story. Different views tell different parts of the story. First person is the personal thoughts of the main character, other than third person which plays as an observer. And lastly there is theme. The theme of the story is an overall meaning of a story. Each and all parts of the elements of fiction can either create a strong or weak story.

            Being opposite to most novels that go into the lives of characters, Hopkins generates a novel that shows what could save a life. Ellen Hopkins goes into the novel first introducing each character in the exposition. The exposition is where all the characters and a setting are introduced and where the conflict is being set up. Nest is the conflict. Conflict is going to lead to the climax of the story. After is the sexton in the story that keeps a reader going and not wanting to put a book down. Lastly is the resolution. It’s the climax coming to an end; the last pieces of the puzzle.

            In the beginning, the story opens up showing three teens entering Aspen. All living separate lives but ending up in the same place for the same reason. First to be introduced was Tony. Tony arrived before the other two. He gave what he felt already being there. Vanessa arrived a little bit later, she was nervous coming into Aspen. She was nervous and had her mind set on only her brother and grandmother. Lastly was Conner mind open and only set on where he had to sleep. He stayed pacing his room and described every detail. “I pace the plain room, counting steps from near wall to far, right left. Eight by ten, eighty square feet to call my own for then, next how many days? Eighty square feet, with no television or phone, only tiny beds, w closet, and one vinyl chair near a window – A window that doesn’t open, not even a crack for air”(23). Then later we learn about the levels.

            To explain the steps of their lives in Aspen the three had daily challenges that involve five levels. When first arriving to Aspen everyone starts off on level zero, which is isolation, then as one opens up to the doctors then one can move on to level one, which is out of isolation. You attend a mandatory church service every Sunday. Level two is almost the same but church is optional, you get to play pool, watch television, and get more free time with the opposite sex. Level three is trips to the mall movies, and weekend visits home. Level four is the wilderness camp, also known as the challenge by choice. After you complete level four you have the privilege to leave which is level five(211). The challenge with moving on to over levels is that Tony, Vanessa, and Conner have their own secrets and don’t trust anyone, it’s hard for them to open up and deal with their past. Tony deals with his past and what he had to do to survive on the streets. Vanessa holds back her and her mother’s secrets. Conner holds back the details of a relationship that was forbidden and how he feels at home. The conflict really escalates when visiting day comes, when they have to make their way to level three. Tony’s father left him with his mother as a child. And now that tony is in Aspen his dad decides to come back in Tony’s live. His dad sees that Tony rejects him, so for Tony to receive the privilege to level three he must have a positive interaction with his father. Vanessa reaches conflict whenever she reaches an extreme high or low point. When reaching those points she tends to want to cut herself. Then there is Conner who reaches his point when his mother finally visits him after six weeks of being in Aspen.

            As time passed and levels went by Tony, Conner and Vanessa had to visit home. Tony realizes that he is alone when he visits his dad’s home. Conner felt that his home is no longer a home, it’s cold and seems to be just a place to visit. Conner soon learns from being home that his parents made the love of his life Emily move away. That’s when Conner felt completely alone. Then he goes back to Aspen and to go on the wilderness challenge. The wilderness challenge is made to teach the teens about trust, reliance, self-satisfaction, and endurance. Seeing change in all the character hitting this point. Vanessa is more attracted to Tony. Tony doubts he is gay. Connor is losing control. His visit from home was too much for him, and everyone can tell especially Tony. He knew since Conner has been off his medicine he can’t sleep like he used to (568).

            The trip coming to an end. Tony, Conner, and Vanessa sit down and disease Phillip and how Tony feels then it goes into what Phillip and how Tony feels then it goes into what label Tony feels then it goes into what label Tony is. Tony asked Vanessa but she doesn’t care. Then Vanessa confesses to her love for Tony and that leads her to wanting to cut herself. Tony becomes angry and says if she does it because of him. He would walk out of her life. She then says, “Only love can make me quit.” (592). After so much talk about love, Conner just thinks to himself. He feels that no one will love him, or is capable to love him. He later confesses the sexual abuse he had as a child. And that opens up a window to show how his craving for older women started. Since it’s the end each and every teen received a letter from home. All were warm and heart-felt except Conner’s, he folded his arms and took a walk knowing at the end of the day nothing will change for him. So he throws the letter in the air. Then the next challenge all on his mind is his twin and mother. Standing on a ledge Connor soon finds his peace. Tony blamed himself and questioned why Connor would do it. Then a paper plane flew to him. It was Connor’s letter.

            After reading a story one thinks about each character of the book. Now what puts those thoughts in one’s mind. Characterization is the name. Characterization is the way the author gives off information and feels about the characters they decided to use. This section of a story can be direct or indirect. Direct shows just a blunt characteristic of a character. Indirect shows what a character portrays with his/her actins, words, or thoughts. Other mannerisms such as descriptions of a characters appearance, behavior, likes, and desires. But why is this important to the story? Characterization is a serious part of making a story not able to resist, or evoking an interest. The characterization is what moves a reader so some can relate to a character on a personal level and seem real.

            First to enter, Tony Ceccarelli, grew up on the streets after being in juvenile for several years when the death of a close friend sends him to the pills. It all started when Tony was eight years old. A father not present in young Tony’s life, only the men who were in and out of his mothers life. Then came her new boyfriend, Larry. Larry sexually abuses Tony night after night. After one night of getting violated by Larry, Tony went into Larry’s truck and stole his gun. This gun was also what Larry used to threaten Tony’s mother. He used this gun on Larry and it sent him to juvi for nine years. After serving his time, Tony decided that he would rather live on the streets than live with his mother again. While homeless, Tony would do anything for food, money, drugs, and shelter (87). Then he met Phillip. Phillip was an older homosexual male who gave Tony a place to stay without having to doing anything in return. All Phil wanted was a friendship with Tony before he died. Since Tony grew up in juvi, no one expected him to learn much but when he met Phillip he was the one who had high expectation for Tony. He taught Tony everything he knew for he was an ex college professor (227). Then Phillip dies and Tony feels alone feels alone again leaving him in a depressing that leads him to the pills, and that’s how Tony ends up in Aspen and meets Vanessa and Connor.

            Next came Vanessa O’Reilly; grew up in a broken military home. Her military father was in and out of her and her brother’s life. Her mother had a serious case of bipolar disorder. Throughout the story Vanessa decides to keep that fact that she also suffers from the same disorder as well (92). Since their parents are not always present, their grandmother steps in. Due to a relationship, Vanessa was in Aspen. This relationship did not last however because of her bipolar disorder and the guy she was dating couldn’t handle her. Vanessa is not dealing with all of her emotions, so she cuts herself and it becomes an addiction (199). Vanessa explains,” I cut to focus when my brain is racing. I cut to make physical what I feel inside. I cut to see blood because I like it. I don’t like to cut, but I cant give it up.” (199). So she tries to stay at an average not too much, to a simple calm place. She describes and thinks things in color, and the main color she sees or feels is blue. The main person that pushes her out of average is Connor. Connor is what everyone thinks to be perfect. He is tall, bright brown hair, athletic figure, and has a boyish charm. Everyone finds him attractive but no one knows he is full of demons. When Connor was eleven years old, his babysitter sexually violated him. Connor began to grow close to her, but she pushed him away. He then threatened her so she’d be with him but she moved to protect her reputation. This was Connors first experience with an older female and it is also what turned him to really enjoying older women. The reason Connor was in Aspen was because he was having relations with a teacher who ran every morning in his neighborhood. Later, the female rejected him, this led Connor to try to commit suicide. He failed.

            Going into the theme one should know what theme means. Theme is the overall view or meaning of the full out story. Ellen Hopkins shows that love, trust, and happiness conquers all. Impulse shows three teens; Tony, Connor, and Vanessa. All three of these teens are in Aspen because of the people they love. Tony craved the love of his father for years and holds in anger because of it. Then when he finally gets the love he rejects it so he’d feel like a bigger man than his father. Connor craves a simple normal loving family who doesn’t compare him to his twin. Vanessa shows that love is the only way for her to stop cutting. They all show that trust is the way to happiness. They have to open up to the doctors and trust them enough to open up and trust each other to get out what they have held in for years. Vanessa states that before she came to Aspen she wasn’t happy but after meeting Tony and Conner she gains hope for happiness. “My happiest memories have no place in the past; they are those I have yet to create.” (358).

            Speaking about theme there are other aspects of a great story. Other elements of Literature are foreshadowing, irony, metaphors, personification, and symbolism. Foreshadowing is a way the author hint what is going to come. Foreshadowing tells the reader that something is going to come. What makes it important is that it adds a certain tension to the story and gets an anxiety to the reader over what is to come. Next is irony. Irony shows the reader what to expect but goes against it. Authors use this element to make readers thing. Then there are metaphors. Metaphors are used to make two unlike objects compare. Personification goes objects qualities that humans posses. Symbolism is using a symbol or object but the object that serves  a bigger more in depth meaning.

            Impulse is a novel which has plenty of literal elements. Flashbacks are the main elements used in this novel. To find out the past and what sent each teen to Aspen. Each teen must go to therapy so the doctors can know how to treat their depression. For example, Conner was the main teen to open up to the doctors. The doctor got Connor to look back in his past and describe the events in great detail. “It was the exact opposite for me. At first all I wanted was sex with her, but soon I wanted more. More sex yes, in unusual places, and all different kinds, but that wasn’t all. I wanted her to fill the empty spaces left by a father who never once praised me, friends who used me, and ice princess mom who raised me with ice kisses.” (134). Ellen Hopkins also used symbolism to make Vanessa’s mothers bipolar outbreaks seem real.

            All in all, even though the three lived completely separate lives, at the end of the day there are all  the same with their lives. The novel goes into an in depth look on three teenager lives. Publishers Weekly states,”Hopkins weave together the story of three troubled teens locked up in a psychological facility after suicide attempts, once again writing in artful free verse. Each character is full-bodied and distinct. Connor is a wealthy overachiever who had an affair with a teacher; Tony , who thinks he is gay. Was locked up in juvi for years after killing his mother’s child molesting boyfriend; Vanessa is a manic depressive who cuts herself to “hush her demons shrieking inside my brain.”  All three have attempted suicide – But readers will find themselves invested in the characters by the time the three had their outdoor challenge (Novel List),” Even though everyone deals with their demons in different ways, Impulse shows three teens that overcome them in finding friendships that weren’t expected. A certain honesty and truth inside themselves and hope that everything will get better. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Big Decisions (Pt.1)

Thinking of all the goods and the bads
Makes my days long and forced to last
Being here and being there is becoming a sad struggle
Like all my my feelings and emotions gathered up in a small huddle
I live in the present but yet I only see a future
I love you and I know being without you will be pure torture
I just can't seem to make up my mind
It's Nothing new it's just that my love seems blind
I know I have no room to talk
And it's like my mind just shuts down and goes in shock.
I hate explaining myself and the things I do.
But I'm not yours and that's all according to you
If I turn right
It's like the light just turned bright
If I turn left
It's like I took a heart being a petty theft

Monday, October 27, 2014

Whats Up With Us

Alright Well guys about 6 years ago I met my best friend (not my childhood forever and always Nat) but She was straight and I was that lesbian Friend. Well a year after meeting her and talking to her every day guess who Fell for the straight girl...this chick right here.. But it wasn't as bad as most lesbians say "falling for a straight girl" I found out soon after I told her how I felt that She felt the same way. And we have been on and off with dating and talking since then. So for a recent update on us. She is still my best friend and we broke up last month and we have been cool and Flirty since , just yesterday I asked her What we were and to my surprise we back together.  She knows how I get when I'm in a relationship. I am clingy and want her all to myself. She hates it, but She does it herself. She knows how I work and not getting in my feelings by little things so She did the telling and didn't even tell me that we were together.  Anyone else would have gotten checked before they really wrecked themselves with this situation. 

And for the ones that ask "Why do I go back with her so many times?" Because we never broke up over anything serious and like I said She is my best friend and I love her and want the best for her.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Shout out to my followers

today is my one year anniversary for my newest tumblr account and I didn't even realize it till I checked my email and they told me. well I would like to thank all of my followers for supporting me by liking and reblogging my post I couldn't have done it without you guys.


~ThatBananaBreadTho~

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Maybe it's Time for Change

Alright well I have been reading other blogs and fashion blogs and I started to think, maybe I need personal information published instead of all poems so if you agree please let me know or if you like my blog the way it is I would love to know as well.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Story Continues

Our love story finally continues and it's starting to feel so unreal
It's like we are made of steal , And neither of us has broken our deal
to each other.
You told me you wouldn't leave
You are the only one I truly believe
Staying No matter what,
Even when I'm being a little cunt
and I can't stop my love

You are my addiction
And your kisses are my prescription
I may not show pain
But you are my condition
I love you
You are my rock
You are my world
Nothing could describe how much you make my heart twirl

we have our ups and downs
but that is what makes us
and seeing how we lasted this long it has yet to break us
its like make or break told us to pick
and we stayed in the middle
Which is our safety zone
No its not a bad thing that we stay here
because you are my home

My rock, you keep me grounded
never at an edge
so that i wont fall
thats why i run to your every call
because thats us
and i am bonded by lust
not for them.  Just for you.

Like i told you years ago
as time goes by my feelings start to show
You are my dream girl
so small, so perfect
that this dream that we live in is becoming a reality
in which me and you are really meant to be
thats why you hold that special key

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Lost Causes

I am mad about this
How my feelings feel dissed
Knowing this is wrong
But yet it's what my heart longs
Yeah I feel bad
And I know you do too
But then after we were so glad
that we couldn't be mad
we are both taken
And I wouldn't want to do anything to have your relationship shaken 
My feelings run deep
So much that my heart can't speak
I'm quiet because the one who I connected with from the start
Is now at the top of my chart
I love you and I mean it
And I'll keep telling you so you don't forget it
It's hard though
Knowing how I feel
But knowing it's going to kill
This will never be
As if I was a lock and you a random key.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Love Scars

It's like we're trying to move forward but we're still moving backwards
We're trying to turn the page but were stuck in this chapter
It's like we are free to have a future but it's driven by our past
Cause every other day is reminded of our last
And we're both tired of this song but can't seem to turn it off
We both tried to leave before but at the time we'd get lost
And ironically with being lost we found each other
So the cycle beings again
With friends trying to master love
It's as though I'm trying to recover,
This place you once held in my heart
It's amazing how you sit so close but feels as though we are miles apart
It's obvious
We both grow tired and fatigue from this game
And it seems as though the only thing we have in Common is pain
I know love takes time but I feel it was rushed
So it's been a countdown since the time we met
It's evidence that time has officially let

Friday, August 8, 2014

True Friend

the trust is real.
You might not know it
But it happens to be a big deal
We have only be talking for a little bit
But the love still fits

You are my friend
My sister
And it all started with a little listen
I love you
And appreciate you

I know you have a small circle
And I know you love deep
But this is not me trying to be all sweet
We are close
Not like most
Like the ones you would find on the southern coast

Simple and sweet
Quiet and oh so meek
You have the best vibe
That can calm a small child
But that's who you are

Sammy the sweet
Whose words are yet so deep
Whose face hold those chubby cheeks
And shockingly you are a freak in the sheets

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Within Those Brown Eyes

As I looked into those eyes
All I saw were the endless skies that never once told such harsh lies.
I seen that love is all that lied within them
With a touch of purity that was far from a dim
We were connected
Joined as one
My heart will No longer be protected
Because you are that someone it has been searching for.
Deep down in it's core
You couldn't be much more
Perfect from your smile to your feet
It's funny how since day one you had my heart beat
By such small talk
And now with No such Luck I'm down again by you
Because I have fallen
And I know u have fallen for me too

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

What Was Expected

As I lay in this hospital bed
Trying to figure out just where I stand
In your busy life
It seems like I just don't fit

Having expectations that run on for days
But yet I lose hope so much
The dream begins to just fade
It hurts like a double edged blade

Acting as if a slave
Latched on by a chain
A chain of wasted dreams
Of what we could be

Now you have started to blend in with everything around me
But day after day I hope it turns out different
So Maybe its me not you
These expectations ruin me

Burying me deeper in this hole
Of confusion, and distrust
All because of the little things
I hope and expect

Make Me Your Home

A few weeks go by and again I see myself falling

But just a couple months ago I was too stubborn and dumb to be the one calling

Calling up all my feelings that I tried to bottle down

Calling up the harsh reality that I had more feelings for you then the girl I already had in this town

But I was scared

Scared to find out that I wasn't the one who you had been searching for

Searching door to door to finally call that place home

I want to be that door you found

But you know I'm torn

I'm torn between the now and then

Torn between whether we should talk or just be friends

Because I know I fall easily

And that's the issue

If I see that I'm not your home

I might suddenly need a tissue

Yes I'm a baby,  I know

I usually hold my guards up
But with you there was always something so different

I have always opened up to you,  always gave u the benefit the doubt

Because I know this time if I am good and stay at this place with No owner

You will soon open my door and see your future home.

Friday, April 18, 2014

My Letter To You

As time goes by I see us slipping
Falling lower and lower into this dark hole
Trying to get up
And pull ourselves out
I know u understand what I'm talking about
We've been at it for a while now
Holding back the tears
I can tell that you have been waiting for this day to come
That's how I know if the time comes you won't have any fall left
I know you will be sad
But I can see you  won't shed a tear
After awhile you might even start to smile
Thinking of the peace that you now hold
I know I'm not going to be loud or bold
When it comes down to this
Because I really do love and care
I just don't know how much more you can bare
I sit here now knowing your worth it
I know that sooner or later this all will calm down
Because we have been through so much
When at the end of the day I will enjoy your slightest touch
But this is not the end to us
I told you from the start I won't give up
I know this might be tough
But you are my always and Forever
No matter what
Forever and ever.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Inner Confession

Waking up empty and motionless
How could life be growing into this big mess
Having everyday being a struggle
Carrying loads by loads within a big bundle

Being tossed back and forth by you, love
Making me push back and hold my tender guards up
Feelings feeling so different that I shove them deep
And try to hide them

It's me or you
Maybe it's both of us
Being hurt by my actions that are so real and true
If you ask me how this happened I'd just say because of the trust

I'm not sure I trust you with my heart
I know it must feel as though I led u on by staying this long
But I just realized with the time that's measured on my little chart
By I must start my confession with this little song that comes from the bottom of my  heart.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Deep within my heart

as the days pass me by
I think about you
about me
about us
I can never be satisfied unless
I make sure that you're happy
endless suffering
that I cause you
day after day
but you don't complain
so I think
maybe im crazy
or maybe im in a daze
because im a perfectionist
when it comes down to the ones I say I love
and then when I mean the things I say
nothing will go wrong
we are getting to that number eight
seems like its a bomb waiting to explode
its just my heart
which you are the only one with the code