What To Expect

Its all cool when you have a question and I do my best to answer
But when it comes back to you, your words become paralyzed like its been hit by cancer
You asked for honesty and that's all I have been giving
It just seems like the trust isn't even driven in you
The fact that I have options on people who want to give me what I want
with out a question
But I chose you.
I wanted to be with you not just because I lover you stubborn ways
that take me back to the good old days
Back when you would test me on little things that you expected lies
Back when trust didn't come so easy
and when only knew how to tease me
Now that the time is coming up
That we are getting to the point of moving on in life
which we want together
We both don't know what we are getting into
yet we still choose to get into this

HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!

Today is Christmas day and you know what I was actually having a great day until I woke up haha . well we had to be up early because my dad's family wanted Christmas at our house and they were suppose to be here at 12 so I woke up did the dishes because my parents woke up cooking. then I went back to bed and woke up again because people kept blowing my phone up...soo not cool. but its alright because I had to get ready anyways so took a shower and I actually made a whole song up in the shower. then got ready and went downstairs and my grandparents and step brother were here and I just sat at the table and waited to eat. when everyone got here they all gave hugs and started talking then my sisters ex came here with our cousin which was extremely awkward so we went upstairs and all got our laptops out and decided to have a laptop date .. my day later I should be able to see my girlfriend and give her the watch that I bought her so she is excited but that is about it for my Christmas. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday

Christmas Updates

Hey everyone, i haven't made a post in awhile but as an update on my life for starters me and Toni are doing great after all the fighting. I haven't talked to Tiffany. I basically yelled at her last time we talked because i had to tell her why i didn't trust her or want to fully be with her. She wouldn't drop her boy of a roommate which they have been on and off dating. So i would never drop something i have that's good for someone who chose a boy over me. That's just me, But Christmas is tomorrow and it has been so annoying because last week they decided that Christmas was going to be held at our house. since my great aunt has cancer they changed it to my cousins house which shockingly made me so happy because i really do not want to see  my step brother at all. He is a boy as well and i have no respect for men who act like children. Since they are coming we get to open gifts early so it wont be so crowded. I swear when everyone in the house has a job Christmas seems to get real like i never seen so many presents under our tree. Anyways moving on yesterday was my best friend Natalie's birthday. I spent the whole day with her and she had to go Christmas shopping. i thought i was bad with buying gifts late but she is so much worse. But she didnt know how many people i knew until we went to the mall and so many people stopped us just to talk. But she enjoyed spending her birthday with me. I always spend my birthday with her so she already know we have to plan my day now because i am not going shopping for other people on my day. I learned this year that i cant feed her raw fish because she will not be able to breathe. But i actually found a gift for everyone. So i am so excited for everyone to open their gifts. That is an update on me, thanks for reading you guys.

I Cant Count On You.

So at the moment it is saturday i just got off work an hour ago its 12:02 AM and my day was alright i guess i was told by my girlfriend that she would either see me Friday morning or Friday night because she had a hair appointment at 11 so i just said either way i just want to see you. So i went to work and she was out with her brother. i didnt think much of it because i was just like eh ill see her eventually before the night is over with. And guess who i didnt see ...MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. and its not like im shocked. she does this all the time its surprising if  today at all. She actually follows through with what she says she will do. I noticed her methods that she does, when i want to see her i would text her way before i want to actually see her and just say we should hang or something and she would agree to it. then when i tell her the time i want she would just not text back after i say that or wait an hour and a half and completely change the subject. At first i would make excuses for her but now i am just getting annoyed with it. i love the girl i really do and i put up with her bullshit on the daily. But she is so fucking selfish that its sad. i got to the point of just saying good night to her. and now im about to go to bed because im just getting more annoyed... but on the other hand my night was just fine.

Farewell My Love

Things have changed a lot in the time that we have been together
I love you and I don't know how I am going to  take what seems to be not a forever
In a few months you could be leaving me
All alone with the lost hopes of what I thought was meant to be

I am trying to stay positive about it all
And let time go by like a flying ball
having each day spent together special and filled with love
Because you are the one I love like a soft white dove

You are my back bone
The one that gives my love a certain tone
You have been in my life as long as I can remember
I just know that we started this whole love fest years ago in December

So thinking about a life without you seems so unreal
to the point that I cant wrap my thoughts around it
I love you and I am sad
but I cant make you stay to be with me, that would just make me feel bad.

Leave Me Why Dont You

Today is the 16th December and I have been really good. Besides the fact that my girlfriend might be moving 1,104 miles away from me in February but you know what I spent the whole day being sad about it so today I am not going to be sad about it today. I am just going to be sad about it forever I'm just going to make everyday that I have with her special. the plus side of all of this is has to be if she decides to move out she can get her own place and stay here. She hasn't decided yet and I'm not going to pressure her about it because I cant force her to stay in Illinois when she doesn't want to. But the fact that we planned on moving in together after I graduate and get out of basics, but this would just ruin our whole plan, so its just like enjoy the time that we have together and that is all I can do at the moment..

But today is a day before finals start and I have yet to study. It's not that im slacking or anything, I just know everything about my classes that I only have to study for like two classes that I could study for but I am only studying for one class and that is my Psychology class. And Friday starts my break. I am so am excited to sleep in

Tears For Christmas

Today is Saturday morning basically and i just wanted to tell you guys about my day Friday. so me and Toni were cool all day and her gift came in and i just had to show her she saw it and literally cried so i knew i did a great job, i was so happy i did something right with gifts. but im no pro on jewelry and it said one size only so i was like ugh i hope she can fit it so i tried it on it was an ok fit on me but my wrist is so small and hers is bigger than mine so i was like it should be fine. then i had work.. i was actually really stressed because i had to work with a girl that hates my girlfriend and is suppose to be a great friend of mine. But it turns out she didnt have to go in. So relieved,. so Toni came to my job after she left the mall with her friend and she paid for her friend something to eat and i basically helped her pay because i didnt want my girl spending all her money in one day, but she told me she bought my gift and that it was in her car. That right there made me want to just walk out my job and see it. So we went out together and kissed a bit then she told me to turn around so it could be a surprise, i did what i was told to do. i turn back around and she is holding a longboard. i swear to you if you dont know me i am sorry but i love longboarding i really do. and it was so beautiful. the board i have is so gay like i love it and thats all that matters . But the one she bought me was a Arbor Timeless Pintail 46 Bamboo Longboard. i almost cried when seeing it but i was in shock because the back of it was a lot of fish and a hand reaching out to the fish ...Me and Toni are both Pisces so the fish would always go into our horoscope ritual which i thought was really cool so she payed attention to something i loved and something that made me think of us. so i really loved it. i really didnt want to give it back to her. but i got home and being me i wanted to see my board so i went to the website of the store and saw the price, my girlfriend spent over 200 on me for Christmas. i am not going to lie, i felt important but i am crazy for her. wow its almost our 6th year .. but that was the highlight of my day

The Butt... Oh The Butt

Yesterday I went to the army based office and had to do a body fat percentage and I work out a lot so I weigh a lot because of the muscle so that's why I had to take the test. I got in there and all the Army officers were asking me what I was there for and I told them and they were just wondering why because they all said I looked solid and small. So I took it and it turns out that my neck is a great size, my waist is small and then they got down to my butt and being a colored person you can be blessed with a quite bodacious bottom haha well I was one that was blessed with that. Well in the army they say the men might love it but uncle Sam doesn't. When he said that I was like uncle Sam never seen a big ass before. And I run track so its not fat its a firm butt lol so I don't know how this butt will slim down. but they told me I have to stop working out like I do. I cant do sit ups, crunches, or pushups. I can only run... the factor that made this butt big. So now im on a no carb die. and its almost Christmas. so fun fun ... fun my day

Christmas Time Shopping

Well today I am very in tuned with my thoughts, yesterday I went Christmas shopping. My dad will be very happy with his gift. My mom I don't know. I tried buying her some roshe runs but they were all out of stock in her size. Like WHY ... So that didn't work, she is a very casual person so the basic ones were gone too. So I did the daughter thing and bought her a necklace. yes im that type. I tried for hours looking for the shoes and I was so annoyed. But I am also the type that if you ask what I got you I will most likely tell you just because I hate secrets. My girl knows and that's how she got me to tell her and I told her I couldn't decide between these two watches and so I sent her both and she loved them both.. I choose the cheaper one. (im on a budget so don't judge) she doesn't need to know. and I have no idea what im buying my sister. Oh and my dad is receiving a Lakers Jacket.

So This Is Us

Alright well today is December the 9th and my day has been pretty good. For starters my night was alright my girlfriend had some things she had to do for her best friend (it was on the dangerous side in my opinion) But she came home happy and in a positive mood so that was just fine, then we ended our night on good terms. and this morning she was actually being extremely loving towards me so duh im going to be happy. I think she knows we have been having a rocky week so I think she is getting back to the sick of being mad at each other. When I think I have been the one who seemed to be mad at her most of the time. So its getting better.
I am actually trying with her. Which to most people who don't know me would think I would be the type of person that actually puts my all in every relationship that I have been in which im not that type at all... I hold my guards up and don't let anyone really get to know the personal parts of me, I don't know why I do it. I cant help it. But Toni is the only person I have ever opened up to. I know why though. I met her when I was in 7th grade and she was straight and I was just coming out so we were just friends like that's it nothing more and nothing less. and after a year of being with a cheater and a liar then Toni was the one that picked me back up from being so depressed. After that we just were great friends and a year later I guess feelings were involved like I loved her like she was family then I was like woah she is attractive too and you know what I want her to be with someone who will treat her like she should be treated.... (end up being me) But the point of that is me saying she know the personal emotional part of me before we started dating and I guess that is why we do this.

Cant Wait To Leave

Right now I really cant stand this school.
Literally everything about it pisses me off.
The people
The teachers.
Even this school color.
Only 142 more days.
May....

Rant Of The Night

Why must i have trust issues?!?!?! Please someone tell me. I have been fucked up so many times that i just dont even know how to trust anyone anymore and its kinda sad. when i think about it because when i get in a serious relationship and at first i am all cool but when things seem to get me worried or make me doubt things i put up walls that will eventually end up with me dumping them and a few days later im with someone else. Yeah i know its fucked up but i have been used to doing it for years now and its getting better like i learned that i do like time to myself but i guess im just scared to be alone.

This is me actually being honest with myself for once in my life. Yeah i have been known as a player before... well many times from a lot of people. But i have changed and i know if me and toni break up it will be for a good reason. or i just do it so she wont have to when i have to leave. Right now i am doubting everything and i hate it because half of me just wants to ball up and be by myself knowing that i might lose the one person that has stuck by my side for years when everyone has left me so yeah this one is taking a huge tole on me.

Sorry guys that i am going on a rant but my blog is like my journal, i dont care who reads it or if there are any negative feedback from it i dont care because its mine. and i could write all the poems about how i feel but i know if i do write a poem about how i feel i will just burst in tears and i personally am a cry baby so i know for a fact that i will cry.

The fact that i can type fast is an issue because i am actually saying everything that is going through my mind and i have so much thats why i am separating my thoughts

But back on topic, I know she loves me and is scared to loose me. The fact that She used to consider herself straight and me being the only exception always made me feel special, and after i cheated on her ( 5 years ago, never again, that wasnt even my fault , i didnt do it i was in a iffy situation, but never again have i ever) then dumped her she tried dating more girls to see if she could have feelings for them and she actually said none of them gave her any kinda connection. Also the fact that we have been on and off for years and that in the past 4 years i have dated 4 other people and she hasnt dated one other person because she knows we are going to get back together so she said why even bother, her words not mine.  so that right there also gives me a happy feeling ( not the me with other people part) that right there is an iffy situation on my part and i honestly dont even wanna be with anyone else. like i have dated a lot of females and none of them compare to her. Maybe its the time or the effort that i actually put in her, i went through so much to actually get her haha do you know how long i was in the friend zone just to get her to tell me she liked me and even after that i was in the friend zone for a while just because she loved being single and i love that about her because i know when we break up she will be content with the title of being single. But she knows that she has never really been single because even when we arent together, we basically are together because nothing really changes just the label then we go on a bunch of no labels which is stupid but it is a comfort zone for both of us. i dont know what it is about the whole no labeled deal but we tend to fight less and enjoy each other more in that zone. so we stay there a lot which is no problem to me but when she wants to actually go back to say its official i swear i fall for that girl everytime. and now that i got all of this off my chest i am goooooood. haha i love her, so i shouldnt doubt anything because everything happens for a reason so i should just calm down and let it be.

My rant of the night

Different Schedules

An update to me and Toni and the new way im thinking is going alright. I am really holding back on a lot such as telling her to just let me have some personal time with her knowing that she has been busy and tired. Her hotel sleepover what ever she would like to call it went well, she went to bed late and she left her charger at work so her phone died while i was at work and she woke up with it on like 3% and we talked with that much battery and so i got off work today and she was in this mood, ( female reasons) but that was understandable so i just let her attitude slide over. then since she was in that mood she didnt want to talk to anyone (including me ) she would talk to me but everything i would say she would take it as though i was attacking her. for example i said thank god you slept all day (since she stayed up late) she replied with a " what do you mean by that?!?!? Khamela?" yeah she used my first name which is like fighting words in my book if we are dating. so i got annoyed pretty quick with her and i had a headache from work so i told her i would take a 30 min nap when it ended up being an hour and i woke up at 9 something because she texted me saying that she was going to bed and i told her that this weekend just seems as though our schedules arent matching up at all. but thats what happens in relationships it seems. But i cant wait till Christmas break because i will be free and i think she will be too.  And we still have to go shopping together so thats going to be fun. but anyways guys i should go to bed its 1:20 and i work in the morning good night loves

I Think He Is Ready

so last night we bought Mister a christmas sweater to get him in the mood for his first christmas an i think he loves it

Turning Over A New Leaf

Hello guys today has really been a reflection day on myself. After the day Toni and I watched True Life (a show played on MTV)  I learned a lot. I realized there are people out here that are so clingy that it drives the person they are with away. And that right there made me think of the reasons of why me and Toni break up so much. I am too clingy and that annoys her.

So today she told me that tonight she is going to have a hotel with 3 of her friends and usually I would get mad or have an attitude. But instead I told her that I would be working tonight anyways, and that I hope she enjoys her time with her friends, I bet she thought I was sarcastic. She asked if I was mad I said no then I explained it to her saying, "yeah I was just talking to my friend saying that I have to not be so clingy with you because I know you are mine so I shouldn't be so selfish that you feel like you cant still have fun. I think True life really hit me that there are people more clingy and crazier than I am. but you need those days to just hang with your friends then if I get too attached they would hate me haha and I don't want that. I don't plan on breaking up again so I am trying something different that I haven't tried before and that is giving you space lol so this is new for me and I am trying, only because I love you"

Guys wish me luck on this whole "Turning over a new leaf" time for me. I honestly feel that knowing I am about to go off in a couple of months for a year without her is really getting to me. I am ready to leave but im not ready to be away from her. I went 6 years with her by my side and now I have to go a whole year basically without her, yeah im not ready. I am just taking everything serious now. I don't have time to put people in my life that wont stay or doing anything that will hurt me in the long run. so I am just trying to be at peace before I go away, and spend time with those I love most.

Im A Cry Baby

Last night was just an amazing night. Toni couldn't come over she was home from work and just wanted to chill there but she actually wanted to talk about the military, so I was proud of her because I know how much she hates it but she seemed so supportive and I loved it. so I told her to just call me and we talked about everything. But I almost cried because I am an emotional female like I cry at about everything. I hate surprises and I hate keeping secrets so I showed her the watch I am buying and I guessed what she was getting me which pissed her off just saying but it was a jokingly guess which I wasn't taking serious until she started laughing and my face went so serious like I spent almost 200 on my board now and she knew how bad I wanted another board so I started crying because she told me our gifts are about the same price so I didn't feel bad for spending so much when at first we said a $25 limit haha then since im leaving for basics after graduation she told me her plans for us after I graduated and that would be my graduation gift. The parts I remember is her getting us a hotel room for the weekend and going to my favorite restaurant (she then said she wrote down all my favorites places) then I was like how long have you been thinking about this and she said all year (I died of laughter) then she was going to give me a promise ring at the arch. which I love because I spent most of my childhood there with my dad and my aunts.(and I started to tear up there too just saying, those were tears of like a wow, no one has ever put thought into anything for me and she did)   But then we watched true life about young love and I swear they were crazy and I was like thank god you aren't like that . then she forced me to go to sleep. but that was my night

Oh, What A Confusing Day

Well it seems as though the pattern of us still goes.
so me and Toni have been on and off for almost 6 years now
and she is the one who dumps me because she gets annoyed and we always
end up getting back together like a week or two later, unless I get in a relationship
she never gets in anything, but im not complaining. I love knowing that im the only one she wants
to be with but I just annoy the shit out of her. I know I do because after 6 years I know when I do it
but im not mad im just like should I still buy her this expensive gift for Christmas haha that is the only thing on my mind like a less than 100 dollar gift is looking good, then my birthday is coming up soon so then im just like hmm I wonder if she will make me single on my birthday.

She just told me that she hasn't dumped me which is a relief but im walking on egg shells now to not piss her off. And she is still getting her Christmas gift haha and just so you guys know I am one person that would buy a $145 gift with a smile on my face.

Well today was kinda a alright day, im out of school. but since I go home early I am still here because I have a chess club and ecology club meeting today.. and don't you dare judge me on the clubs, I joined chess club because that was one thing that reminds me of my dad so I was just like why not and I joined and actually its a pretty cool and chill environment, all we do is play chess so no one talks to me I just get to destroy people in chess. now ecology club has some ummm different people in there, But that was my confusing day so I hope you guys enjoyed my lovely story

Bitch, You Found Me!!!

So this dude googled me.....

About My Morning

When I spend over a year trying to get to know you, that obviously means I am growing attached.  So if I invest time in you, I might push you away at times but that never means leave. Because that is the last thing I would ever want someone to do. so please be a smart cookie and stay. I am saying this because I am just letting people know how I am so when you meet me think before you start something you cant finish.

 

Anyways last night after my workout I couldn't fall asleep no matter what and I was getting so annoyed because it was 12 and I have to wake up no later than 6. So my usual routine is closing my eyes and make up a story so I can dream about some good. but that didn't work so I just figured I was to hyped up so I put on music, well one song (Thinking out loud- Ed Sheeran) because that song just puts me in a good loving mood, and makes me think about my girl so I just laid there with my eyes closed and I ended up falling asleep right after that. and that was my night and this seems like this is how December is starting off

 

CHRISTMAS BREAK IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! I honestly cant wait

AWKWARD!!

when your friend ask for your URL to your blog is so awkward when you have to think about everything that you have written haha

Hey Guys!!!

Alright today is December 1st and it is starting off great, my recruiter called today and i take my physical tomorrow for the army, its my girlfriend dad's birthday. so she was calm and not up my ass today. I stopped talking to a certain chick that chose an ex over me. Me and my ex Leeya we actually had a convo last night and that was really cool i learned so much about some things that i dont partake in but i love learning new things. The only bad part is that my ex got fired from his job and came to my job to cry about it so i talked to my managers into letting him get an interview and today i found out that he is taken and is going to be working with me haha that is fun -_-.... but then i talked to my friend Tierra about her woman issues and i ended up texting a girl that she dated and wanted back to try to get her another chance and the chick seemed to think i was one cool chick to be a stranger and talking to her like i knew her. But i picked out a Christmas gift for my girl and i talked to her best friend about it to make sure she would like it but i am still looking so i can make sure its perfect. but now its time for my show and my workout time so i hope you guys enjoyed this