Why must i have trust issues?!?!?! Please someone tell me. I have been fucked up so many times that i just dont even know how to trust anyone anymore and its kinda sad. when i think about it because when i get in a serious relationship and at first i am all cool but when things seem to get me worried or make me doubt things i put up walls that will eventually end up with me dumping them and a few days later im with someone else. Yeah i know its fucked up but i have been used to doing it for years now and its getting better like i learned that i do like time to myself but i guess im just scared to be alone.
This is me actually being honest with myself for once in my life. Yeah i have been known as a player before... well many times from a lot of people. But i have changed and i know if me and toni break up it will be for a good reason. or i just do it so she wont have to when i have to leave. Right now i am doubting everything and i hate it because half of me just wants to ball up and be by myself knowing that i might lose the one person that has stuck by my side for years when everyone has left me so yeah this one is taking a huge tole on me.
Sorry guys that i am going on a rant but my blog is like my journal, i dont care who reads it or if there are any negative feedback from it i dont care because its mine. and i could write all the poems about how i feel but i know if i do write a poem about how i feel i will just burst in tears and i personally am a cry baby so i know for a fact that i will cry.
The fact that i can type fast is an issue because i am actually saying everything that is going through my mind and i have so much thats why i am separating my thoughts
But back on topic, I know she loves me and is scared to loose me. The fact that She used to consider herself straight and me being the only exception always made me feel special, and after i cheated on her ( 5 years ago, never again, that wasnt even my fault , i didnt do it i was in a iffy situation, but never again have i ever) then dumped her she tried dating more girls to see if she could have feelings for them and she actually said none of them gave her any kinda connection. Also the fact that we have been on and off for years and that in the past 4 years i have dated 4 other people and she hasnt dated one other person because she knows we are going to get back together so she said why even bother, her words not mine. so that right there also gives me a happy feeling ( not the me with other people part) that right there is an iffy situation on my part and i honestly dont even wanna be with anyone else. like i have dated a lot of females and none of them compare to her. Maybe its the time or the effort that i actually put in her, i went through so much to actually get her haha do you know how long i was in the friend zone just to get her to tell me she liked me and even after that i was in the friend zone for a while just because she loved being single and i love that about her because i know when we break up she will be content with the title of being single. But she knows that she has never really been single because even when we arent together, we basically are together because nothing really changes just the label then we go on a bunch of no labels which is stupid but it is a comfort zone for both of us. i dont know what it is about the whole no labeled deal but we tend to fight less and enjoy each other more in that zone. so we stay there a lot which is no problem to me but when she wants to actually go back to say its official i swear i fall for that girl everytime. and now that i got all of this off my chest i am goooooood. haha i love her, so i shouldnt doubt anything because everything happens for a reason so i should just calm down and let it be.
My rant of the night
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